The Extra 25 Commandments
In 1954 a leading French Archeologist while on a simple tour of Belgium
uncovered an ancient manuscript dating back to BC. After twelve years of
strenuous translation the document was locked away in the vaults of a
Parisian church and forgotten.
I can now reveal to you the contents of the document. It turned out to be
... So I said to Him, "Listen G-d, each one of those buggers must weigh at
least 60 pounds each!", "I could maybe take one or two but the other five
are just gonna have to stay!".
Moses: "Yeah. Like I suggested he could at least put them on parchment but
just made Him sulk! It took me 6 bloody weeks to get up that sodding
mountain! I wasn't gonna carry 400 odd pounds of solid rock tablets all the
Int: "So there were more than 10 Commandments then?"
Moses: "Oh Sure! Originally 35 of the beggars! Some really obscure shit
too. I jotted them down but people didn't listen to me. If it wasn't etched
in stone tablets they didn't want to know!"
Int: "And you still have these notes?"
Moses: "Yup! I tried teaching the extra Commandments to people but they
didn't understand them. Can't blame `em really. He said they would come in
useful one day ..."
Int: "Can you tell me the extra Commandments?"
Moses: "Alright. (Rustle, Rustle) Ah, here we are ..."
THE COMMANDMENTS (11 - 35):
11. Thou shalt not buy trainers that cost 4 times your mortgage.
12. Thou shalt not rent out a villa in Malta and call it "TimeShare".
13. Thou shalt not spend millions advertising a service that people can't
do without such as water.
14. Thou shalt not go to poncy French subtitled films just to impress your
15. Thou shalt not believe that Demi Moore has any talent.
16. Thou shalt "love" thy neighbor, but only if you are married to her!
17. Thou shalt not find Carla Lane sitcoms 'mildly amusing'.
18. Thou shalt always thank your Aunty for her Christmas gift, even those
naff socks and the leaky pen set.
19. Thou shalt not Jeremy Beadle!
20. Thou shalt not read the graffiti when sitting in a public toilet, you
have better things to do!
21. Thou shalt not name your son after yourself just so you can open his
post "by accident".
22. Thou shalt get very embarrassed at having to have to accept 1 cent change
when buying a shirt priced 29.99.
23. Thou shalt not follow false breasts.
24. Thou shalt not remix a past hit and give it a weird name like the
"Lanky Golf Ball" mix.
25. Thou shalt not comb your last remaining strands of hair over your bald
26. Thou shalt not invent new names for soap powder just so you can say it
cleans much better than last "better ever" version.
27. Thou shalt only buy Puma Disc System trainers if you really want to
garotte your feet!
28. Thou shalt not lie. Politicians exempt...
29. Thou shalt not try to change TV channels when the remote control breaks
by throwing it at the TV.
30. Thou shalt not get annoyed when only anyone over 92 wins the 2 million
31. Thou shalt not go on camping holidays saying you love the outdoors just
because you are too cheap to go to a hotel.
32. Thou shalt go to Church on every Sunday - either before or after
getting the weekend shopping in.
33. Thou shalt not buy the WCBS song contest hits compilation CD.
34. Thou shalt not spend 7 hours in a to remove the punched plastic
35. Thou shalt not kill... unless the victim just happens to be the guy who
invented (900) numbers!
Moses: "Deep stuff eh?"
Int: "Er? Yeah... listen, you're not really Moses are you?"
Moses: "Moses, Moses, oh I though you were asking for er, Richard!"
Moses (Richard): "Yeah, High Lord of Beelzebub, the foul fiend. Lucifer,
Shaitan, Auld Nick, Satan, Apolyon, Enemy of Mankind, Ahriman, Eblis ..."
Int: "You're F***ing mad, aren't you!"
Moses (Richard): "Erm, yeah. I'll go away shall I?"
And there you go. Had the pressure of carrying the full commandments around
with him his whole life sent Moses insane? Or was he, as he claimed,
denizen of the Evil One trying to taint the minds of others with false
commandments? Or, as is most probable, did the interview just pick out any
passing psycho he found in the street? You decide...