The following is a sketch I wrote for my comedy troupe "The Farce Side" in
1993. It was inspired by some of my non-pixie dust moments from Disney that
summer. My CP roommates on the Sm 95 program often asked me to read this
out load for their amusement. I'll clean it up a little, but you'll get the
"It's A Small World" By Mack Duncan Orignally produced by "The Farce Side"
October 24, 1993. (C) 1993 Property of Mack Duncan. All rights reserved
DISGRUNTLED DISNEY CAST MEMBER
ANOTHER GUY W/ NAMETAG
OTHER PEOPLE IN LINE
Lights up. Up stage is a group of people in line for "It's A Small World."
Down stage of them is the DISGRUNTLED DISNEY CAST MEMBER. Two or three
people walk by him as he smiles his "DISNEY SMILE."
CAST: (talking through a plastic smile) Hi! Hello! Welcome to my
Kingdom! Enjoy your stay. (to himself) God, I hate my job.
GUEST #1 crosses to him
GUEST #1: Excuse me. Where's the castle?
CAST: (pointing with 2 fingers) It's right there behind you...
GUEST looks away from CAST MEMBER as he is giving his spiel. At this time,
the two finger point turns into "The Finger" until she turns around
CAST: ...it stands 18 stories as is constructed entirely of fiber glass.
GUEST #1: Thank you.
CAST: You're welcome... (GUEST exits) Idiot.
GUEST #2 crosses to CAST MEMBER
GUEST #2: Hey you! What time does the 3:00 parade start?
CAST: The 3:00 parade starts at 3:00, ma'am.
GUEST #2: Are you sure?
GUEST#2: I have another question.
CAST: Of course you do.
GUEST #2: Where's the "Back to the Future" Ride?
CAST: That would be at Universal Studios, ma'am.
GUEST #2: Where's that?
CAST: Not here.
GUEST #2: Is that near Frontier Land?
CAST: It's another park, ma'am.
GUEST #2: You mean it's not here?
CAST: It's not here.
GUEST #2: We'll you're a big help. (she exits)
CAST: Glad I could be of service... (to himself) Bitch!
GUEST #3: (From line) Excuse Me! How long is it from here?
CAST: About 2 1/2 hours.
GUEST #3: But we've already been waiting 2 1/2 hours.
CAST: Then you're half way there.
KID #1: Ah Dad, I told ya I don't want to go on "It's A Small World."
GUEST #3: Oh no you don't! We're not pulling out now. We've been waiting
for "It's A Small World," we're going to ride "It's A Small World,"
and you are going to love "It's A Small World." DO I MAKE MYSELF
CAST: That's the Disney Spirit I like to see, sir.
GUEST #3: F*#! off, Rat Boy!
GUEST #4 & KID #2 pusj their into line and cut in front of GUEST #3.
GUEST #3: Hey! No cuts!
GUEST #4: What are you going to do? Call the Mickey Police? Get Bent!
GUEST #3: Hey! Mouse Man! Get over here!
CAST: You told me to "F*#! Off," sir.
GUEST #3: Well now I'm telling you to get your Disney ass over here. This
Ogre and his little Ogre-ette just cut in front of me.
GUEST #4: We did not!
GUEST #3: Bull- Cr@%%y! You did too!
CAST: (to KID 2) What do you say, kid? Did you guys take cuts?
KID #2: Sure, but Daddy said it would be okay.
CAST: Well, Daddy, looks like you and Jr will have to step to the back of
GUEST #4: Okay, so I took a short cut. But it's really hot out here...
CAST: This is Central Florida in August, sir. If you wanted to beat the
heat, you should have gone to a theme park in Alaska.
GUEST #4: Look, I got a bumb leg...
CAST: I got hemorroids. What's your point?
GUEST #4: You are the rudest f*#!ing Disney person I have ever seen!
CAST: And you are the rudest f*#!ing guest I have ever seen!
GUEST #4: Hey, I don't have to take this crap from you. I paid $100 to
getinto this place.
CAST: If you paid $100 to get in here, you don't need my courtesy, you need
ag-- damned financial advisor.
GUEST #4: Hey listen...
CAST: No! You listen, pal! They pay me a measley $5.60 an hour to stand out
here in this cheesy polyester outfit sweating my ass off while stupid
vacationers like you come out and make my life a living hell. You whine,
you yell, you ask stupid questions and I have to keep smiling. So don't
f*#! with me, buddy-boy! Either take your fat ass and your gruesome
off-spring to the back of the line, or get the hell out of my park!!!
GUEST #4 & KID #2 exit as others in line applaud.
ANOTHER GUY W/A NAME TAG (a n official looking man with a dark suit and sun
glasses) enters and taps CAST MEMBER on the shoulder.
GUY W/ TAG: Mr Mouse would like to see you.
CAST: Ah, Shhhhh.... oot!