You Know You're Too Fundamental When ...
by Chris. A. Faria
You pronounce "sin" with two syllables.
Your daughter's beehive hairdo matches your wife's.
You think Jesus is liberal.
You enjoy talking to people in King James English.
You know God on a first name basis.
You have your application in for the Trinity.
You are building your own pulpit for your living room.
You think hair tonic is Biblical.
You think dancing is a form of artificial insemination.
You find June Cleaver attractive.
You believe Moses could have shaved.
You have a portrait of Sodom and Gomorra the day after it was nuked.
You pronounce it "Bab-tist."
You still think Jimmy Swaggert wasn't so bad till he got caught up with
You think "dike" is a big wall in Holland.
You insist on using "gay" to describe your night out with the boys.
You know the three Greek words for love.
You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at Stuckeys.
You thought Naked Gun was a Clint Eastwood movie.
You thought Back to the Future was a movie about Biblical Prophecy.
You called your teacher "the Beast" as a child.
You barbecue ribs and invite your Muslim friends over for dinner.
You've ever attended a book burning.
You built your own ark model.
You pointed out all the errors in Jurassic Park according to Genesis.
You think Monopoly teaches greed.
You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.
You are one of those idiots who insist on bringing up religion on the
airplane by saying, "Gee, if this plane were to crash, would you go to
You support Hare Krishna's in the airport because it means your
denomination can have a booth across the hall.
You can trace Saddam Hussein's genealogy to Nebuchaddnezzar.
You think Mormon's are mistaken but they sure do dress nice.
You think genuflect is a type of mirror.
You wonder why the Dali Lama worships those funny goat-like sheep.
You wish you could preach like Louis Farrakhan.
You can prove that unscrambling "Santa" is "Satan."
You know that Jesus was born in April but probably would have liked a
You exchange any currency that has three 6's in a row.
You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the
You think that bar codes are demonic.
You enjoy Wal Mart.
You sneak a peek at Madonna's Album covers and claim you're doing
You take National Geographic and draw bikini's on all the naked people.
You think People Magazine is pornography.
You think the band K.I.S.S. means Knights in Satan's Service.
You found back masking on Amy Grant's albums that chant.
You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil
You think laughter is a tool of the devil.
You think that tools are tools of the devil.
You think that tools are devils.
You buy everything at Sears.
You think the J. C. Penny catalog is pretty snappy.
You think Victoria's Secret is an Illuminati conspiracy.
You know the writing on the statue of liberty's tablet was put there by
You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill.
You think Pat Robertson was okay till he ran for president.
You think Jerry Falwell is liberal.
You think Mother Theresa is stocking away all her money and getting away
on wild weekends at Cannes.
You say "Darn."
You have all of your radio buttons tuned into religious stations.
You enjoy Muzak.
Your idea of a hot weekend is to attend an anti-Catholic seminar.
You've ever helped in a baptism and you thought they should stay under
You won't wear a robe even in the bathroom.
You won't wear colored underwear.
You think Phyllis Schafly is sexy.
You think the guy with the hair and John 3:16 sign at golf tournaments
You think the NEA is a tool of the devil.
You won't go to a museum because they have pictures of nekked wimmin.
You won't go to a park because they have statues of nekked wimmin.
You won't go in your bathroom because your wife sometimes is nekked.
You don't have children because it means you and your wife would have to
get nekked ... a little.
You think a modem is a tool of the devil.
You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.
You like Spam.
You think Stuckey's is a great American institution.
You think Bingo was a pretty good game until them Catholics took it
You think, "I wouldn't be caught dead gambling," as you purchase your
lottery ticket as an investment.
You think Bill Clinton is the Devil.
You think Hillary Clinton is the Devil.
You call Israel the Holy Land.
You enjoy using flannel art.
You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments ... but you
repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.
You pronounce "repent" as "rheeeee- paint."
You say Amen more than once an hour.
You pray so long your food gets cold.
You think Doctors are a tool of the devil.
You think teachers are a tool of the devil.
You think science is a tool of the devil.
You think Pat Buchanan is misunderstood.
You think Burt Reynolds was great in Smoky and the Bandit ... but you
repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.
You sit still in your living room on Sundays so God won't get pissed off
at you because you are working on the Lord's day.
You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and
Your wife puts a scripture tract in your lunch.
You become an Amway dealer to evangelize in disguise.
You like being an Amway dealer.
You think A.A. is liberal.
You think Aids are those little chocolate candies to lose weight.
You have your name stamped on all your Bibles.
You have more than 10 Bibles.
You think that Catholics actually pray to little plaster statues.
You think Notre Dame football team are all secretly Jesuit priests in an
You think Amy Grant is a tool of the devil.
You think underneath the Pope's skull cap is the mark of the beast.
You have evidence "They" are rebuilding the temple in Jerusalem.
You name your children after the apostles.
You name your child Ichabod, Shalmaneser, Jeremiah or Ezekiel.
You have a Bible Cover that looks like a doily.
You like all that country living paraphernalia crap.
You preach against gossip but you thumb through the National Enquirer at
the check-out line.
You wonder just who is this Jenny McCarthy.
You won't own a credit card because "they" might use to give you a "mark
of the beast."
You rail against Catholics for statues but wear a cross around your own
You always bring bean casserole to a church potluck.