Tales of ParentHood (The Real Story)

by John McGill

	Parenthood: Sure there have been books, manuals, and classes dedicated to
	the subject. But who has bothered to relate the day-to-day "joys" of being
	a parent. Here is something from a co-worker of mine who decided to tell
	the real story - And so I pass it to the world:

	Highlights from this weekend with the kids:
	1) Trying to explain what "Mutant" meant to my four year old without using
	my wife as an example.

	2) Spent 40 minutes answering questions regarding the anatomical
	differences between Ninja turtles, Gamera, and the turtles at the pet
	3) Kyle, the two year-old, finger-painted the walls in his room with the
	waste he pulled out of his diaper.
	4) Had to answer the question "Why do you laugh when the Simpsons are bad
	and not when I am?"

	5) Found that "Pop-Tart" I gave my son three weeks ago!

	6) Watched my sons destroy one of those blow-up punching bags in less than
	twenty minutes.

	7) Broke up 17 fights.

	8) Had my testicles stepped on by the children 7 1/2 times. (1/2 was the
	left one only).

	9) Had to answer question "Why doesn't GI-Joe have a wee-wee?"
	10) Missed out on the Rice Spitting contest in the dining room.
	11) The dog submitted it's two week notice.
	12) I smacked Kyle's butt (the one in diapers) and blew a load down his leg
	and onto the rug.
	13) New names I was called this weekend: "DummyHead, PoopyHead and
	14) Woke up Sunday morning with one kid sleeping on my stomach, one on my
	left arm (numb for an hour) and the dog sleeping across my legs. My wife
	escaped to sleep on the couch.
	15) We saluted during the burial at sea (the toilet) of one of the
	goldfish. I explained the toilet runs to the river, my son is now afraid of
	drinking the dead goldfish, because he knows drinking water comes from the
	16) Had to explain to John why we couldn't rent "The Devil in Miss Jones"
	at the video store Friday. We settled on Spiderman. Bummer.
	17) Said "Don't suck your thumb" about thirty times.
	18) Said "Don't pick your nose" about ten times.
	19) My son John came in on Sunday telling me that Kyle had eaten all the
	"pills"	he found in Mommy's pocketbook. I panicked, ran out and found Kyle
	with the empty TIC TAC container and beautiful breath.

	20) Used the old "Doggies playing Leapfrog" explanation at the park.


	While brushing my teeth last night I was using a new cup in the bathroom.
	(It was one of those large "Big Gulp" plastic types from convenience
	stores, which I thought was odd for a bathroom cup). My son John came in
	and asked me "Why are you drinking out of our wee-wee pot?" I think I am
	going insane.

	I heard my youngest child go into the bathroom at 2:00 AM and felt good
	that he was finally using the bathroom at night. I didn't hear any
	splashing, but I was too tired to go look. I awoke and checked for where he
	went. It took a while, but I discovered he urinated in the bathroom	
	trashcan. I love being a dad.

	                           Parenthood (Continued)
	Our next door neighbor has an older male dog that, when excited, tends to
	wet itself. The other day I was watching out the back window as my three
	year old, Kyle, played near the fence. Ziggy, the dog, came over and
	urinated on Kyle. Kyle was furious. As I was running out to help Kyle I
	watched	in amazement as he stood up, pulled his pants down and preceeded to
	urinate	on the dog.
	I screamed "Kyle what are you doing?"
	"He wee-wee'd on me, I can wee-wee on him".!"

	                          BackDraft II, The Sequel
	Setup- Last week we saw a review of Backdraft (the movie) on TV. My son
		Kyle (aged 3) just thought that was so cool.	

	Sunday, June 30.
	We were having a party for John, now aged five. Suddenly we noticed a
	strange noise coming from the back family room. I heard my wife scream and
	ran to find out what was happening.
	My son Kyle was standing in the middle of the room with the garden hose,
	with high pressure nozzle, spraying the walls, floors, furniture. There was
	about a half inch of water across the floor.
	I am losing my mind.

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