Tales of ParentHood (The Real Story)
by John McGill
Parenthood: Sure there have been books, manuals, and classes dedicated to
the subject. But who has bothered to relate the day-to-day "joys" of being
a parent. Here is something from a co-worker of mine who decided to tell
the real story - And so I pass it to the world:
Highlights from this weekend with the kids:
1) Trying to explain what "Mutant" meant to my four year old without using
my wife as an example.
2) Spent 40 minutes answering questions regarding the anatomical
differences between Ninja turtles, Gamera, and the turtles at the pet
store.
3) Kyle, the two year-old, finger-painted the walls in his room with the
waste he pulled out of his diaper.
4) Had to answer the question "Why do you laugh when the Simpsons are bad
and not when I am?"
5) Found that "Pop-Tart" I gave my son three weeks ago!
6) Watched my sons destroy one of those blow-up punching bags in less than
twenty minutes.
7) Broke up 17 fights.
8) Had my testicles stepped on by the children 7 1/2 times. (1/2 was the
left one only).
9) Had to answer question "Why doesn't GI-Joe have a wee-wee?"
10) Missed out on the Rice Spitting contest in the dining room.
11) The dog submitted it's two week notice.
12) I smacked Kyle's butt (the one in diapers) and blew a load down his leg
and onto the rug.
13) New names I was called this weekend: "DummyHead, PoopyHead and
GoofyHead".
14) Woke up Sunday morning with one kid sleeping on my stomach, one on my
left arm (numb for an hour) and the dog sleeping across my legs. My wife
escaped to sleep on the couch.
15) We saluted during the burial at sea (the toilet) of one of the
goldfish. I explained the toilet runs to the river, my son is now afraid of
drinking the dead goldfish, because he knows drinking water comes from the
river.
16) Had to explain to John why we couldn't rent "The Devil in Miss Jones"
at the video store Friday. We settled on Spiderman. Bummer.
17) Said "Don't suck your thumb" about thirty times.
18) Said "Don't pick your nose" about ten times.
19) My son John came in on Sunday telling me that Kyle had eaten all the
"pills" he found in Mommy's pocketbook. I panicked, ran out and found Kyle
with the empty TIC TAC container and beautiful breath.
20) Used the old "Doggies playing Leapfrog" explanation at the park.
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While brushing my teeth last night I was using a new cup in the bathroom.
(It was one of those large "Big Gulp" plastic types from convenience
stores, which I thought was odd for a bathroom cup). My son John came in
and asked me "Why are you drinking out of our wee-wee pot?" I think I am
going insane.
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I heard my youngest child go into the bathroom at 2:00 AM and felt good
that he was finally using the bathroom at night. I didn't hear any
splashing, but I was too tired to go look. I awoke and checked for where he
went. It took a while, but I discovered he urinated in the bathroom
trashcan. I love being a dad.
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Parenthood (Continued)
Our next door neighbor has an older male dog that, when excited, tends to
wet itself. The other day I was watching out the back window as my three
year old, Kyle, played near the fence. Ziggy, the dog, came over and
urinated on Kyle. Kyle was furious. As I was running out to help Kyle I
watched in amazement as he stood up, pulled his pants down and preceeded to
urinate on the dog.
I screamed "Kyle what are you doing?"
"He wee-wee'd on me, I can wee-wee on him".!"
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BackDraft II, The Sequel
Setup- Last week we saw a review of Backdraft (the movie) on TV. My son
Kyle (aged 3) just thought that was so cool.
Sunday, June 30.
We were having a party for John, now aged five. Suddenly we noticed a
strange noise coming from the back family room. I heard my wife scream and
ran to find out what was happening.
My son Kyle was standing in the middle of the room with the garden hose,
with high pressure nozzle, spraying the walls, floors, furniture. There was
about a half inch of water across the floor.
I am losing my mind.