A Peek at Martha Stewart's January Calendar

 Jan 1:  Catch up on gardening--sew leaves back onto trees.  Do all
 	 cooking for the year.
 Jan 2:  Take dog apart.  Disinfect.  Reassemble.
 Jan 3:  Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
 Jan 4:  Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices 
	 and cinnamon sticks.
 Jan 5:  Lay Faberge egg.
 Jan 6:  Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts 
	 into heat pump.
 Jan 7:  Visit crematorium.  Collect dentures.  They make excellent
 	 pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
 Jan 8:  Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
 Jan 9:  Receive delivery of new phone books.  Old ones make ideal personal 
	 address books; simply cross out the names of all the people you do 
	 not know.
Jan 10:  Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.
Jan 11:  Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Jan 12:  Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders.  Take verbatim 
	 notes.
Jan 13:  Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so 
	 that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
Jan 14:  Replace air in mini van tires with Glad air freshener in case tires 
 	 are shot out at the mall.
Jan 15:  MLK birthday.  Find out who MLK is.
Jan 16:  Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself
Jan 17:  Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion 
	 cat-o'-nine-tails.  Flog gardener.
Jan 18:  Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.
Jan 19:  Update enemies list.  Place in hermetically sealed vault.
	 Remove air, replace with nitrogen.