Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus -- Learn to Speak Martian!
Jim Rosenberg's Helpful New Words To Describe Male Behavior
Neanderful -- Men haven't made much progress in the art of wooing over
the last few hundred years, as evidenced by the Tonya Harding
affair. Basically, it's still "here, look what I've beaten and
killed for you!" Women need a way to indicate appreciation and
revulsion at the same time. Now, there's a word. "Og, that
was really neanderful; now please drag the bloody carcass out
of the foyer, wipe off your club, and be sure to write me from
jail."
Manslobber -- Some men just can't take no for an answer. The harmless
majority of these Gomers are much like laboratory monkeys who
keep pressing a button which administers a dose of potentially
pleasurable, but eventually deadly poison. If refusing a date
just doesn't get through to the bundle of glands that is
yapping at your heels, women may now say "I'm sorry, Goofus,
but I'm going to have to press manslobber charges."
Mammopia -- This phrase would be used to chasten men who just can't seem
to focus on anything but a woman's {dairy related} body parts.
When this behavior is detected, women could say "Hey buddy, I'm
up here! You need radial keratotomy for that severe case of
mammopia."
Premature Articulation -- This phrase would be used to assail the
"Schwing Reflex," which causes men to make vulgar comments about
attractive women who pass within their field of view. An
occasional "Hello, Betty!" is forgivable and physiological
responses are not controllable (if they were, oh happy day!).
Still, men ought to know better than to say things like "Here,
chickie, chickie" or "Come to Papa!" The problem is: men
speak before they think. The next time it happens, women may
retort, "What's the matter Hercules, have you got a case of
premature articulation?"
Haskellate -- Named after the Sultan of Suck-Ups, Eddie Haskell from
"Leave it to Beaver," this phrase would be used to castigate
men who heap meaningless flattery on women with all their
motives ulterior. When the doo-doo gets deep, women could say
"if these flurries haskellate any further, I'll be knee deep
in it."
Blowhole -- Men are much like whales. They lie around most of the
time, then surface briefly to spout off. I pity women who
must nod through a nice meal while her date sounds off about
his {completely made-up} accomplishments. When this happens,
she should say "Moby dear, why don't you submerge now and
give your blowhole a little rest. You're getting the other
diners a little wet."