Quinn's Devious Dictionary
by Lee Daniel Quinn
AMBIGUITY, n. [1] the lack of clarity in speech -- or, perhaps,
something else; [2] the language of politics and statesmanship
DICTIONARY, n. [1] the only place where: (a) divorce comes before
marriage, and (b) success comes before work; [2] a malevolent
literary device for cramping the growth of language and making it
hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a more useful
work {Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary}
HUMOR, n. [1] a feat, after the invention of language, which is
man's proudest achievement
ITALIC, n. [1] the language spoken by ancient Italians
KANGAROO, n. [1] is actually "what did you say?" in the language of the
Australian natives. {Captain Cook's mistake}
KINDNESS, n. [1] a language that the dumb can speak and the deaf can hear
LANGUAGE, n. [1] the most important form of intercourse practiced by man
-- next to sex; [2] a system which was developed to allow humanity to
complain without killing or maiming.
LINGUIST, n. [1] a talented fellow who has mastered the ability to make
mistakes in more than one language; [2] a person who can be misunderstood
in many languages
LOVE, n. [1] the most slippery word in the human language -- used by
knaves to seduce, by fools for comfort, and by most men to placate the
female of the species
OFFICIALESE, n. [1] a government language where you can understand the
words, but not the sentences
PHILOSOPHY, n. [1] a system of labeling and redefining our language to
allow us to rescue the absurd
POET(S) n. [1] an individual so in love with language who can, for the
sake of art, survive any hardship -- except a misprint
RIOT, n. [1] the language of the unheard
SLANDER, n. [1] to lie about someone -- or tell the truth
SLANG, n. [1] a language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and
goes to work; [2] the one stream of poetry which is continually flowing
outward
SLOGAN, n. [1] a good old American substitute for the facts; [2] our
modern commercial replacement for quality; [3] a politician's banner,
often changed, but always held high above the voters brains
SPECIALIST, n. [1] a learned person who can name a horse in nine langu-
ages and buys a cow to ride
YIDDISH, n. [1] a tongue that never takes its tongue out of its cheek;
[2] the rich traditional language of organized complaint