Having More Fun With Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy
and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it?
Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I
borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to
know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems
to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is
acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try
to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about
3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell
his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it
is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the
company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy
and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second."
(few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is
this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully,
this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to
figure out where the heck she could know you from.
6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an
even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you
can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any
friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat
blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback
in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."
Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all
flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to
someone who's a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too
bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well,
11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number
you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their
number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them
at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of
Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call
at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)