Miracle Cat Diet

 Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people.
 For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is
 the new Miracle Cat Diet!

 Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table
 scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat
 Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just
 follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look
 and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con-
 stitutes food.  Good Luck! 


 Breakfast:  Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as 
      long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your
      plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock
      the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before

      stalking off into the other room.

 Lunch:  Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on
      the cleanest carpet in your house.

 Dinner:  Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat
      one wing. Leave the rest to die.

 Bedtime snack:  Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's
      plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the
      refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of
      it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining
      gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.


 Breakfast:  Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock
      it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on
      the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read

 Lunch:  Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part
      of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over.
      Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

 Afternoon snack:  Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house.
      Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead.
      Allow it to escape under the bed.

 Dinner:  Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or
      beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to
      the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug.
      Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire


 Breakfast:  Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's
      cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the
      closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

 Lunch:  Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on
      top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is
      seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone
      else to have to deal with.

 Dinner:  Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a
      bowl of your own.  Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl
      over on the floor.


 Breakfast:  Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of
      legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water.
      Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or
      partner's pillow.

 Lunch:  Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go
      leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag
      the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and
      then abandon.

 Dinner:  Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a
      flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in
      Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry
      and get hard.

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