Marrying into a Jewish Family

from Jewish As a Second Language by Molly Katz

 	If you are an aspiring Jew or marrying into a Jewish family, there
 	are certain things you must know to survive.  Take this quiz to see if
 	you've learned enough to function in your new Jewish family:

 	1.        There are no Jews living in
                    a.        sin
                    b.        El Paso
                    c.        trailer parks

 	2.        The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
                    a.        do windows
                    b.        make latkes
                    c.        attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings

  	3.        To Make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:
                    a.        gentle
                    b.        housebroken
                    c.        stuffed

 	4.        Jews spend their vacations:
                    a.        sightseeing
                    b.        sunbathing
                    c.        discussing where they spent their last vacation
         		      and where they'll spend the next

     	5.       If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are:

                   a.        up on the newest styles
                   b.        entitled to free haircuts
                   c.        not Jewish

  	6.      Wilderness means
                  a.        no running water
                  b.        no electricity
                  c.        no hot and sour soup

 	7.      The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:
                  a.        jogging
                  b.        tennis
                  c.        howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments

 	8.    Jews never drive
                  a.        unsafely
                  b.        on Saturdays
                  c.        eighteen wheelers

  	9.     A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is
                  a.        Easter lilies
                  b.        a crucifix
                  c.        a Zippo lighter

 	10.     A Jewish skydiver is
                  a.        careful
                  b.        insured
                  c.        an apparition

 	11.    No Jewish person in history has ever been known to
                  a.        become a prostitute
                  b.        deface a synagogue
                  c.        remove the back of a TV set

 	12.    Jews never sing
                  a.        off-key
                  b.        "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu"
                  c.        around a piano bar

 	13.    Jews are ambivalent about
                 a.        vegetarianism
                 b.        Jesse Jackson
                 c.        absolutely nothing

 Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer,
 2 for each "b",
 3 for each"c".

 39-41: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews.  Either you've studied
 your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness
 plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida 
 or New York. They'll adore you.

 29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic.  Just remember to
 do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're
 used to.

 17-28: Sorry.  Better study harder.  Or consider getting a divorce
 and buying a Denny's franchise.

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