The MacGyver Cookbook


	* Frequent flier coupons 
	* One medium paper clip (not plastic coated) 
	* One movie ticket stub 
	Now remember that chocolate chip cookies are supposed to be a nice relaxing kind 
	of food, so the first thing you'll want to do to make them is to go somewhere where 
	you can kick back and relax. Ecuador is good, so use your frequent flier coupons to 
	pick up a round trip ticket there. The stewardess will hand you a couple of bags of 
	peanuts, but don't eat them, since we're going to need those for the cookies. 

	You'll find yourself sitting next to an attractive woman who teaches archaeology at 
	Cornell; she'll explain that she's going to Ecuador to try to find her father--a 
	biochemist by trade, but he dabbles in archaeology as a hobby--who went down there 
	to find the lost pyramid of Sesquichachloride, well known in archaeological circles 
	as the fabled storehouse of the god Valhequesal who, according to myth, rode down 
	from the skies on a pillar of fire bringing with him a wealth of powerful but 
	somewhat failure-prone magical devices that, according to the priests of the day, 
	were pretty darn all-around nifty. 

	Now her father, after examining several stone tablets depicting the god Valhequesal, 
	discovered that he is always shown wearing a curious bracelet on his left wrist that 
	looks surprisingly like a digital watch, leading him to the conclusion that 
	Valhequesal did actually exist, but he was really an advanced space traveler with 
	comparatively poor taste in accessories, and that the lost pyramid of 
	Sesquichachloride must contain his spacecraft and untold other devices from his 
	world. About this time, the stewardess will bring by the main meal and you'll want 
	to be sure to save the little packets of salt and butter that come with your meal--
	the woman next to you will be too worried about her father to eat and so you'll want 
	to take her packet of butter and go ahead and keep her crackers too. 

	When you get off the plane in Ecuador, just go out to the front of the airport and 
	try to locate a cab. There won't be any, for some reason, so you'll go inside to 
	inquire about where transportation might be found and some guy will stumble against 
	you and when you look at him, you'll notice that he's been stabbed in the left side 
	and is bleeding pretty profusely. With a weakly shaking hand, he'll thrust the key 
	to a safety deposit box into your hand, gasp something about "be careful of the 
	poison ivy" and expire messily on the floor of the terminal. You'll decide that maybe 
	waiting for a cab is the better part of valor and head back outside--on the way, 
	though, be sure to stop at the concession stand and ask for a half pound of chocolate 
	chips. The clerk will measure the appropriate amount and put it in a bag for you. Be 
	sure your movie ticket stub is visible in the handful of change you pull from your 
	pocket to pay her. She'll reach down under the counter and then surreptitiously drop 
	a roll of microfilm into your bag along with the chocolate chips, then hand you the 
	bag, saying, "On the house." 

	At this point, speed is of the essence--get back outside the concourse before a 
	swarthy man with a mustache strides up to the snack shop holding a movie ticket stub. 
	Moments later he and the clerk will run out the door looking for you, just as the 
	woman who sat next to you on the plane drives up in her rental car and offers you a 
	lift. Cheerfully accept, and hop in before the man with the mustache disconnects the 
	safety on his gun. If all goes well, you'll both be out of the parking lot and on 
	your way before he has time to squeeze off more than one shot--and he'll miss on the 
	first one anyway and the woman driving the car will think it was just another vehicle 
	backfiring. She'll be kind enough to offer to let you stay in her hotel room, but 
	she'll need to stop off at the bank first to take care of a little business. While 
	she's talking with the bank representative, you casually wander back to the safety 
	deposit boxes and open the one that matches the key. In it, you'll find a fair sized 
	paper bag containing bags of flour, sugar, baking soda, and a large bottle of calamine 
	lotion; take this along with the folded piece of paper lining the bottom of the 
	safety deposit box. Go back to the lobby just as she's getting ready to leave. 

	Once the two of you get back into the car and start driving, unfold the piece of 
	paper--it's a map leading to somewhere deep in the Ecuadorian jungle. Look more 
	closely at it just as your companion notices the map, gasps, nearly runs the car off 
	the road, and exclaims "That's my father's handwriting!" From this point on, it's 
	pretty straightforward--just trek through the jungle with her for a few days, evade 
	the occasional drug lord and that guy with the mustache, locate the hidden temple 
	and descend down a long pole into its depths, and locate the treasure room. 

	There'll be a large golden idol in the northwest corner with huge rubies for eyes, a 
	golden bowl in his lap, and a bird's nest on his head. Put the butter from the plane 
	into the bowl and stir until softened. Get the gold cup to the left of the idol and 
	add two cupfuls of sugar to the butter, stir until creamed. And two eggs from the 
	next, one swiss army knife spoonful of baking soda and two and a half cups of flour, 
	being sure to remove the large plastic bag of cocaine that was hidden in the bag of 
	flour first. Mix well, add the peanuts from the flight and the chocolate chips from 
	the bag, pocketing the microfilmed list of drug contacts first, and place by swiss 
	army knife spoonfuls onto the silver tray propped up against the back of the idol. 

	Once the cookie batter is on the tray, your companion will ask to lick the bowl, but 
	in doing so will bump against the gold torch held in the idol's right hand and there 
	will be a low grinding sound as the stone block that forms the doorway to the drug 
	smugglers' lab slides out of the way and you'll see her father chained to a lab table 
	being forced to refine drugs for the smugglers. While they're having a beautiful and 
	happy reunion, pick up a strange device from the outer room and bring it into the 
	lab where there's better light for a closer inspection. Be sure to bring the cookie 
	sheet too and set them next to each other on the lab table. Your companion and her 
	father will be trying to figure out how to get him unchained while you note that the 
	device in question is clearly of extraterrestrial manufacture and appears to be some 
	sort of highly powerful laser cutting device--except that it shows signs of being 
	dropped, breaking the actuator wire and misaligning the front partial mirror. 

	Tell them to be quiet for a moment as you use the fish scaling blade from your swiss 
	army knife to realign the partial mirror to one quarter wave and then unfold the 
	paper clip, using it to reconnect the high voltage trigger to the laser firing 
	mechanism. Have him stand back while you use the high powered laser to cut through 
	the chain holding him to the table and, incidentally, the wall on the other side of 
	the room, alerting the drug smugglers to your presence. They'll burst into the room 
	and one will fire a pistol at you, missing you but hitting the laser, forcing it 
	permanently on and cracking the rear reflector, bathing the area--the cookies in 
	particular--with high energy radiation. Now get chased around the interior of the 
	temple for a while and, just after the second brief romantic moment where you kiss 
	her and think "Gosh, for someone who's been running around the Ecuadorian jungle for 
	nearly a week, her hair's not greasy at all," the cookies should be done. 

	Run back through the drug lab, grab the cookie sheet, noting that the cooling system 
	for the laser has failed and it's about to explode, and run to the outer room where 
	the three of you scale the pole with the bad guys in hot pursuit. By the time you 
	reach the top of the pole, the bad guys will be halfway up it already, so uncap the 
	bottle of calamine lotion and pour it onto the pole, causing them to fall back into 
	the temple as you and your companions escape into the jungle depths just moments 
	before the entire secret temple explodes, destroying the drug smuggling operation 
	along with all the extraterrestrial artifacts. 

	By now the cookies should be cool enough to eat. Enjoy. Your companions will have a 
	few too, wistfully sighing over the loss of so much knowledge so senselessly, as 
	you take another cookie and notice that the metal sheet you baked them on has etched 
	onto it the plans for what appear to be some sort of space drive. 

	Anyway, this is the best chocolate chip cookie recipe I've ever tried--I've made it 
	dozens of times and haven't had a single bad batch yet. 

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