The Lincoln Seminar

By Ed DeJesus

	The Jesus Seminar, having proven first that Jesus never said or
	did any of the things the Bible says he did, second that there
	really is no such book as the Bible, and third that anyone who
	claims to have ever read or even seen a Bible is either insane or
	hallucinating (a tough call), has now magnanimously decided to
	expand its mission to enlighten humanity about the utter lack of
	credible evidence for other famous-though-nonexistent persons.
	Under the name of The Lincoln Seminar, we now deal with the
	alleged Gettysburg Address by the alleged president, the
	so-called Abraham Lincoln.

	"Fourscore and seven years ago..."
	That is, 87 years ago. Since the alleged Abraham Lincoln was
	notoriously bad at arithmetic, it would have been impossible for
	him to have correctly determined the time since the founding of
	the alleged country. One of the followers of the quasi-mythical-
	politico-historical figure must have supplied this figure later.

	"...our fathers..."
	An obvious quotation from the Lord's Prayer, which we have
	already proven that Jesus could not possibly have said. (Many
	such sayings are attributed to Jesus based solely on people
	having heard him say them.)

	"...brought forth on this continent..."
	By referring to a "continent" this shows that the alleged
	Gettysburg Address must have been written at some time after the
	breakup of the single prehistoric land mass Pangaea more than 100
	million years ago. But since the document could have been written
	at any time during this immense epoch, the probability of that
	occurring during Lincoln's alleged lifetime is vanishingly small.
	Lincoln obviously plagiarized this phrase, as he did so many
	others, from earlier sources. Scholars have found this phrase
	used in works pre-dating Lincoln's alleged life by many
	centuries, including "The Canterbury Tales," "Taming of the
	Shrew," and "Mrs. Hogsworth's Guide to Practical Cookery." It is
	likely that Lincoln may also have encountered it in his earlier
	claimed legal career.

	" nation..."
	An obvious gaffe by a well-meaning scribe-acolyte-propagandist,
	since the 1776 Declaration of Independence merely separated the
	alleged American colonies from Britain. The 1789 Constitution
	created the actual nation. Despite being hampered by not	
	existing, the real Lincoln would have known this.

	"...conceived in liberty..."
	Not having been present, it would have been impossible for
	Lincoln to have any knowledge of this alleged conception, despite
	his reputation as seer-visionary-cult-leader-high-priest.

	"...and dedicated to the proposition..."
	All Lincoln biographers agree that Lincoln would have considered
	it impolite to make a proposition in public. But, to be
	absolutely fair, we don't believe any biography of Lincoln, for
	several reasons. First, as we established in our slam-dunk of
	Jesus, any biography written more than ten years after the
	person's death must be a total fabrication and a lie. Even nine
	years is pushing it. (Eight, we're not saying.) Second, just
	because people may have been listening to the most important
	person they had ever encountered, that doesn't mean they were
	paying attention to what was said. Third, if the biography is
	based on people who were not eyewitnesses, that is hearsay and
	must be entirely incorrect. And finally, if the biography is
	based on people who were eyewitnesses, they obviously have an
	agenda to push, so they must be lying too.

	"...that all men are created equal..."
	Since this equality was not part of the original Constitution,
	but only enacted into law AFTER Lincoln's death, he could not
	possibly have spoken of it in 1863, BEFORE his alleged death. One
	of his followers must have added this to enhance his reputation
	as an omniscient-clairvoyant-mystic-enchanter-ruler-type-person.
	"...Now we are engaged..."
	Another of many anachronisms, since Lincoln was married at this
	time, not merely engaged.
	" a great civil war..."
	Since the TV show The Civil War did not air until the 1990s,
	Lincoln could not possibly have known its eventual title, despite
	the insistence of his fanatico-symbolicist cult worshipers.
	[Phrases omitted here because we couldn't find anything damaging
	in them, so they must not have appeared in the original text.]

	"...that this nation under God..."
	Clearly, since the word "this" had appeared on many occasions
	before the time of this supposed speech, Lincoln could not
	possibly have said it also.

	"...shall have a new birth of freedom..."
	Yet another reference to the entire
	nation-freedom-conception-birth post-Lincolnite mythos
	retroactively shoehorned into an impossibly early speech.

	"...and that government..."
	Government, we have now established, was invented by the
	Hittites. (Is it mere coincidence that the Hittites often wore
	beards? Or is this the inspiration for the mindless obstinacy by
	the Lincolnians on an alleged beard in all depictions of the
	alleged President?) Therefore, Lincoln could not possibly have
	contributed anything novel to the topic.

	"...of the people, by the people, for the people..."
	An obvious instance of a copyist absent-mindedly duplicating the
	phrase "of the people" two more times. The "by" and "for" are
	therefore later emendations to make the repetition seem somewhat
	plausible, probably made during the 1890s (the Age of Extra
	"...shall not perish from the earth."
	See our forthcoming work calling into question all claimed
	"evidence" for the so-called "earth."

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