The Grand Old Ivy League
And now, a brief explanation of the Ivy League...
Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are
you terribly progressive and do you have a shitload of empathy? Are
you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO
Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning
on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME
Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never
want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do
you hate that, too? COME TO HARVARD!!!
Hey kids! Do you have any idea what the fuck an eating club is? Are
you pompous? Can you learn to be? Have you always dreamed of living in
the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!
Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more years of
the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the
concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!
Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high
places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers?
COME TO CORNELL!!!
Hey kids! Do you want to get shot? COME TO YALE!!!
Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff
like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink
some more? Do you like to sexually harass women? Do you like to eat
only granola? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your
feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!
EXTRA-SPECIAL BONUS SCHOOL:
Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate
doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math
math math math math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!