How to Give Your Cat a Bath
by Jens Vidar Tandberg
A 5 step guide to washing one of our furry little friends, without
risking life, neither yours nor the lives of anyone who happens to be
stupid enough to voulenteer to help you with such a monstrous task.
You will need:
- A cat (obviously).
- A good friend (one who will sacrifice his/her life for you).
- 200 meters of band aids.
- Patience, and the mentality of a kamikaze pilot.
- Immediate access to a good doctor/plastic surgeon/psychiatrist.
- 5-6 SWAT team cops (or Navy SEALS if you prefer).
- A strong deathwish
First, here are a couple of things you should know about cats, before you
1. Cats hate water about as much as you hate getting your face torn to
shreds by frantic cat claws.
2. Cats do not care whether you survive or not. They have little or no
respect for human life in general. A cat will, without any hesitation or
remorse, tear your eyeballs out, or remove all the skin off your body.
3. Although you have the advantage of size, the little bugger WILL use any
dirty tricks he can think of, so should you.
4. Do not expect to outsmart your little feline friend, as it is a
well known fact that any cat is smarter than any person who is dumb
enough to try to bathe one.
Ok, now you should be somewhat prepared for the task that lies ahead,
although, you should be aware that no man can ever really be prepared for
the ultimate test of manhood, catbathing.
Take your cat under your arm, nonchalantly, like it was just to pat
him a little, make sure that the cat has no idea of your foul
intentions, you can control this by putting your ear next to the cat's
throat and making sure that the the cat shakes kinda like the strange
banana you found in mom's bedroom. If there is a soft purrrrring sound,
you are safe. If the cat just stares at you with a suspicious look... DROP
THE STINKER AND RUN!
Wait a couple of hours, until the animal is sound asleep, and go in for a
surprise attack. Sit down next to him and start talking to him, patting
him carefully on the tummy (NOTE: some cats do not like to be touched on
that particular spot, you should know if your cat is one of'em, check your
hands/face/arms/shoulders/legs/back/groin/butt for scars to make sure).
Keep this up until the cat has started purrrrring. Put your sole in to it,
or else the cat will know that foul play is involved. Remember the cat has
nine lives to spend, while you have but one. If you have to spend the next
two days assuring your wife that you love her just as much as the cat, you
know you did a good job.
Redecorate the bath to make it look like a kitty heaven, cats have an
instinct, you see. Even a cat that has never seen the inside of a bath
will instinctively know what is going on when you take him into a
bathroom. This is known as "predestinate water syndrome" and has also been
observed on young human specimen. Take the cat in your hands, and start
running for the bathroom. You should hire proffesionals to open/close the
doors for you, or else you will fail miserably. Navy SEALs should be a
good help here. Try opening a door with a rabid kitty in your hands, and
You'll see what I mean.
a) Try to throw cat into bathtub.
b) Remove cat from scalp.
c) Consider getting a new cat.
d) Push cat into tub.
e) Go see a doctor to stop bleeding from hands and face.
f) Consider getting a new cat.
g) Put duct tape on cat's claws.
h) Get friend to hold cat while pouring water on him.
i) Remove duct tape from inner ear, and remove cat from friends'
j) Consider getting a new cat.
k) Tie cat's legs together with dental floss threads, get friend
to help holding the cat down while soaping him up.
l) Remove Dental floss from anal opening, remove slippery cat
from friends face (NOTE: Very hard).
m) Consider getting a new cat.
n) Get four Navy SEALs to help hold cat's paws, while you try to
dry him with a towel.
o) Pay for Navy SEALs' bills from the plastic surgeon
p) Consider getting a new cat.
q) Open door to let cat go lick himself dry.
r) Go see a psychiatrist (by now, you will need it).
s) Consider getting a dog.
Nobody has ever reached this far, but if you do, call guinness book of
Congratulations, your cat is now clean, although you now look like
something one would normally cook for dinner.