New Revolution in Cheap Health Care -- Affordable HMO Opens

by Baja Arizona Publishing Company

	TUCSON -- Federated Health Care of America announced today the newest
	innovation in cheap health care -- an HMO without doctors.

	"One of the most expensive parts of the health care system is the
	doctors," explained Andrew Bongle, President of FHCA.  "They cost a lot
	of money in salaries and malpractice insurance, and they have this nasty
	habit of ordering really costly services such as surgery."

	In order to keep the cost of health care affordable for their investors,
	FHCA has purchased thousands of do-it-yourself photo booths and
	installed them in Walmarts around the country.  The booths have been
	retrofitted with a microchip diagnostic system similar to the ones found
	in auto repair shops, and a series of sensors.
	"Our patients will simply have to sit in the HealthChair, as we call
	them, and answer a series of questions, such as 'Do you have a fever?'
	The sensors will detect the body temperature and other probes can be
	inserted in various parts of the body to complete the diagnosis," Bongle
	"Our in-store health care booths are the cutting edge of instant service
	delivery to our clients," noted Bongle.
	The HealthChair Booths will dispense pre-measured doses of generic drugs
	such as aspirin.
	"For the more serious illnesses or injuries, the HealthChair will
	dispense a How To Manual for the patient to take home so they can treat
	themselves," Bongle noted.  "For a few extra dollars, we will even
	provide video instructions."
	"For example, many surgical procedures only require a local anesthetic,
	so the patient will be given a disposable scalpel, a dose of pain
	killer, and instructions on how to perform the surgery themselves,"
	Bongle explained.  "This gives new meaning to home health care."
	In addition to eliminating doctors, the new FHCA HealthChair booths
	eliminate nurses and hundreds of other expensive employees.  "The whole
	system is automated so no human beings are required for health care
	delivery," Bongle added.  "The only staff we will need is to process
	billings to insurance carriers."
	Since the HealthChair booths have video cameras installed in them to
	view patients, questions of privacy have arisen.  "We have solved that
	problem by offering our patients discounts on their health care if
	they'll let us sell the pictures of their naked bodies on the Internet,"
	Bongle said.	

	America's first rock'n roll nursing home opened today in Green Valley,
	Arizona -- a notorious retirement community.

	"Given the demographics of the country," explained Richard Sottleworth,
	head of the Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home, "it only made sense to
	cater to the incoming generation of senior citizens."

	The traditional nursing home just didn't seem appropriate for people
	weaned on the Rolling Stones.  "There is no way the old type of old
	folks home is going to work with people playing dominoes and listening
	to Lawrence Welk," explained Sottleworth.  "What works best is to create
	a familiar environment for our clients."

	The Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home will feature 24 hour rock music, and
	medicinal marijuana.  "Actually, the next generation of senior citizens
	is going to be a lot easier to deal with," Sottleworth explained,
	"because we can really dope them up and they'll love it."

	The Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home Company plans a national chain of
	rock-oriented care facilities.  "We are trying to get Dick Clark or Mick
	Jagger to do promos for us, but so far no luck," added Sottleworth.
	"But, there's plenty of aging rockers out there, so someone will need
	the money," he added.
	In addition to round-the-clock dope, the new nursing home will offer
	electric guitars for residents.  "They're all deaf, anyway," Sottleworth

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