The "Guyness" Quotient

OK, all you guys out there, take this test to determine your "Guyness"
Quotient." And I am sure all of you ladies out there will find this more
than amusing, since you have to put up with all of the men in the world.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are
the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they
present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable
of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping
out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence
all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful
  life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
   regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is
   the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that,
   for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

 4. What about hugging another male?

 A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
 B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in
    this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging
    food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
 C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits
    a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that
         (1) He is legally within the basepath,
         (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
         (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough
              to cause fractures.

 5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

 A. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
 B. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
 C. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
       disease and cancer.

 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

 A. A cat.
 B. A dog.
 C. A dog that eats cats.

 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's
   attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with
   her.  One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking
   it easy--you're watching a football game;she's reading the
   papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells
   you that she thinks she really loves you,  but, she can no
   longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
   relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether
   you want to get married; only whether you believe that you
   have some kind of future together.   What do you say?

 A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
      but you don't  want to rush it.
 B. That although you also have strong feelings for her,
    you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to
    make a lasting commitment, and  you don't want to hurt her
    by holding out false hope.
 C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on
    third and seventeen.

 8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
    want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys
    and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the
    adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come
    what may. How do you tell her?

 A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
 B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
      and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair
      and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
 C. Tell her what?

 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and
    asks you to get your three children ready for school.
    Your first question to her is:

 A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
 B. "They're in school already?"
 C. "There are three of them?"

 10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

 A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
    holes so large that you're not sure which ones were
     originally intended for your legs.
 B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
      has to be handled with tweezers.
 C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real
    guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are
    not naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly
    trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous
    of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship
    with it than with her.

 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact
that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they
finally got to the Promised Land?

 A. He was being tested.
 B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land
     when they finally got there.
 C. He refused to ask for directions.

 12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

 A. Democracy.
 B. Religion.
 C. Remote control.

	How to score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked
	answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In
	fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get
	the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy
	who has Alzheimer's disease AND cancer.

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