Customers' Guide to Shopping at Your Local Grocery Store
This is something my father, Richard Green -- a grocery clerk for
many years -- has compiled as a guide for customers.
Rule Number 1
When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and
bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you
make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and
make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.
Rule Number 2
Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items.
IT'S THE LAW!!!
Rule Number 3
When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items,
always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then
the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no,"
then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!
Rule Number 4
Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so
that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by
spending all that time looking for one and not finding any.
Rule Number 5
When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need
to make the right decision. Don't be rushed; get it right. If you're
not sure just say "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again,
giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at
home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.
Rule Number 6
Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for
choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious, and
if you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over
plastic the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you
didn't choose plastic.
Rule Number 7
Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want
to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt, don't fret
whether the checker will automatically know the price. After all,
everyone knows how smart those clerks are.
Rule Number 8
Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always
remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of
Rule Number 9
Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All
checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should
decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to
anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the
best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or
anything else you may need to know about life. After all, everyone
knows how smart those clerks are.
Rule Number 10
Don't forget rule NO. 8
Rule Number 11
After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's
finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that
more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty
of help next time.
Rule Number 12
When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel
pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite
-- but you don't have to.
Rule Number 13
When the store is not busy and there is only one checkstand with a
light on be sure to ask the nearest clerk which checkstand is open.
You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.
Rule Number 14
If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item, and you
don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love
that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.