A Female Response: Getting Blown-Off by E-Mail

by Karen Rodrigues of Austraila

	Reponse to "Saying Goodbye the 90's Way"

	                      THE FEMALE RESPONSE
	Dear  --

	I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from 
	further contention to even being in the same room as me. 
	Even in a field limited to warm-blooded semi-sentient beings, 
	you failed to make the final cut. In order to make things easier 
	and more clear-cut for you, please note that all your personal 
	details have been shredded and the result is being used 
	to mulch the vegetable patch at the local Retirement Village.

	So that you may find better success in any future romantic 
	endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reasons you 
	were disqualified from the competition.

	[Check one or more]

	[ ] Your comment that "you earn enough, you can pay for this one"
		displayed a stunning ignorance of both basic economics, 
		manners and common-sense.
	[ ] Your inadvertent admission that your favourite past-time consists 
		of drinking beer and drive-by brown-eyes indicates that you 
		are grossly under-qualified for any position associated with 
		human interaction.

	[ ] You failed the 20-question rule; i.e. I asked you 20 questions 
		about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

	[ ] The only question you *did* ask regarded my gag response.

	[ ] You neglected to introduce me to an obvious group of your friends 
		we met outside the restaurant and proceeded to talk about the 
		last time you projectile vomited. This indicates lack of 
		sensitivity of circumstance.

	[ ] Your breasts are bigger than mine.

	[ ] Your belly is bigger than your breasts.

	[ ] When dressed in shorts, your bum-crack shows (Brit-Speak for Rear).

	[ ] The condition of your skin is suspect. If you ever get to the stage 
		where you do not single-handedly supply a manufacturer of 
		mayonnaise and condiments, feel free to join the human race.

	[ ] Your repeated comments such as "Boy, my doberman's got bigger breasts 
		than you!" and "I don't buy you drinks to hear you think" were 
		both uncalled for and thoughtless.

	[ ] The way you enthusiastically jumped onstage at the alternative bar, 
		danced with the pre-operative trans-sexuals and proceeded to try 
		and tongue-kiss several demonstrated that you are far too 
		impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of discrimination.

	[ ] Your revelation that you would most certainly allow any/all of your 
		ex-girlfriends to shack up with you again as long as they bought 
		you beer, paid the rent, and dispensed recreational pharmaceuticals 
		freely shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you 

	[ ] Your inability to sustain an erection, your falling asleep in the 
		middle of sex, urinating out of the bedroom window and suggestions 	
		that we invite a "coupla dykes" over to perform coitus in front 
		of you seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

	[ ] A brain-damaged orangutan is out of your league; I suggest you start 
		with mammals lower on the evolutionary ladder.

	Yours in constructive criticism,


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