A Female Response: Getting Blown-Off by E-Mail
by Karen Rodrigues of Austraila
Reponse to "Saying Goodbye the 90's Way"
THE FEMALE RESPONSE
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from
further contention to even being in the same room as me.
Even in a field limited to warm-blooded semi-sentient beings,
you failed to make the final cut. In order to make things easier
and more clear-cut for you, please note that all your personal
details have been shredded and the result is being used
to mulch the vegetable patch at the local Retirement Village.
So that you may find better success in any future romantic
endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reasons you
were disqualified from the competition.
[Check one or more]
[ ] Your comment that "you earn enough, you can pay for this one"
displayed a stunning ignorance of both basic economics,
manners and common-sense.
[ ] Your inadvertent admission that your favourite past-time consists
of drinking beer and drive-by brown-eyes indicates that you
are grossly under-qualified for any position associated with
[ ] You failed the 20-question rule; i.e. I asked you 20 questions
about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
[ ] The only question you *did* ask regarded my gag response.
[ ] You neglected to introduce me to an obvious group of your friends
we met outside the restaurant and proceeded to talk about the
last time you projectile vomited. This indicates lack of
sensitivity of circumstance.
[ ] Your breasts are bigger than mine.
[ ] Your belly is bigger than your breasts.
[ ] When dressed in shorts, your bum-crack shows (Brit-Speak for Rear).
[ ] The condition of your skin is suspect. If you ever get to the stage
where you do not single-handedly supply a manufacturer of
mayonnaise and condiments, feel free to join the human race.
[ ] Your repeated comments such as "Boy, my doberman's got bigger breasts
than you!" and "I don't buy you drinks to hear you think" were
both uncalled for and thoughtless.
[ ] The way you enthusiastically jumped onstage at the alternative bar,
danced with the pre-operative trans-sexuals and proceeded to try
and tongue-kiss several demonstrated that you are far too
impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of discrimination.
[ ] Your revelation that you would most certainly allow any/all of your
ex-girlfriends to shack up with you again as long as they bought
you beer, paid the rent, and dispensed recreational pharmaceuticals
freely shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you
[ ] Your inability to sustain an erection, your falling asleep in the
middle of sex, urinating out of the bedroom window and suggestions
that we invite a "coupla dykes" over to perform coitus in front
of you seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
[ ] A brain-damaged orangutan is out of your league; I suggest you start
with mammals lower on the evolutionary ladder.
Yours in constructive criticism,