It's a Dog's Life
Daily Canine Routine



	The day is divided into two important sections:
	Mealtime.  And everything else.

	I.   Mealtime
	
	   1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around 
	      to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. 
	      The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which
	      someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that
	      eventually results in food.

	   2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower
	      third of any space for edibles.  Mouth-sized things which cannot
	      be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.

	   3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as
	      you would a shower.  Never, never look up again until a minimum
	      of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone.  This
	      is important.  Just because your dish is empty does not mean that
	      it is time to stop eating.

	   4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time
	      that it is actually swallowed by another.  The lengthy path a
	      piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is  
	      as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.

	   5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and
	      packaging mean nothing.  There are absolutely no exceptions to
	      this rule.
	
	   6. If you really see something you want, and all your other 
	      attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel
	      shamelessly.  As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of
	      your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles
	      from your lower lip.
	
	II.  Everything Else
	
	   1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother
	      with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
	
	   2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best
	      time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called
	      repeatedly.  The best location for a nap is dead center of any
	      street or driveway.  The most relaxing position is on your side,
	      all four limbs parallel.
	
	   3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a
	      fully clothed person.  A second effective method is to stand on 
	      a light-colored piece of furniture.
	
	   4. Personal Safety
	
	      A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to
	         room yelling loudly.  If someone actually comes into the
	         house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then
        	 kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have
        	 to force you away physically.

	      B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come
	         to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make
	         sure there are none in your yard.
	
	   5. Recreation and Leisure
	
	      A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will
	         want to know.
	
	         a. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball
	            and return it.
	
	         b. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball
	            and eat it.
	
	      B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get
	         in.  Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.
	
	   6. Health
	
	      A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your
	         guard.  If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.
	
	




Back to Lori's Humor Page