The Great Dog Debate
I Love dogs because
1. You never find a cat or a hamster with a barrel of brandy round its
2. It has never been suggested that were mankind to disappear, dogs (unlike
ants, dolphins and rats) are waiting in the wings to take over the
3. The dog is man's best friend, indeed only friend.
4. They cause welcome diversions in otherwise tedious Test matches.
5. They will run and retrieve sticks of any shape, thus rendering the
6. Dogs never have to be rescued from the tops of trees by the fire brigade.
7. They are the cheapest and most effective anti-burglar device yet devised.
8. They are the most specialised animal in nature. What other one boasts
species which can hunt foxes, guard property, balance balls on there
noses, go down holes after badgers and travel fast enough to attract
large sums of money in bets ?
9. They are the only animal to have a form of humour named after them: The
shaggy dog story.
10. They growl when Esther Rantzen comes on the TV.
11. Conan Doyle would have got nowhere with "The Moggy of the Baskervilles."
12. Dogs are highly perceptive. They can spot attractive loveable qualities
in you which are never spotted by your family or friends.
13. They will pull you for hours in a sled across the snowy wastes of the
Arctic, if thats your idea of a good time.
14. The King Charles spaniel is the only pet ever to have been named after
a monarch. (there is no recorded instance of a domesticated King
Edward V11 potato.)
15. Dogs are largely responsible for keeping the aniseed industry going.
16. They can hear notes that the human ear cannot pick up and are therefore
really into avant-garde music: they were also among the first
creatures to appreciate the early gramophones. (HMV lable)
17. The dog is the only animal which, in return for thousands of milk bottle
tops, will agree to guide the blind.
18. They eat unwelcome Christmas presents such as carpet slippers and
19 Snoopy can effortlessly outwit Charlie Brown every time.
20. You'd swear they understand almost every word you say, unlike humans.
21. There is no known instance of a sheep being trained to round up large
quantities of dogs.
22. They are said to be much prized in some forms of Oriental cuisine.
23. They are the only animals to have found another use for lamp-posts.
24. They suffer uncomplainingly insults which humans would never tolerate:
dog's dinners, being given a bad name and hung, having a dog's life,
seeing a sausage in a roll named after them etc etc.
25. They made Battersea famous.
I Hate dogs because
1. You can't even mention the chief objection to them in polite society.
2. They eat expensively imported chocolate.
3. Chihuahua is impossible to spell.
4. Dogs have no fashion sense. They only wear dowdy camping cloths, never
really elegant gear.
5. They creep up behind you after they have been for a swim and shake
6. You have to multiply their real age by 7 to get their equivilant human
age, and then say how wonderful they are looking considering they
7. They indicate they want you to throw a ball for them by refusing to let
go of it.
8. They find it impossible to tell between burglars and friends of the
9. They wag their tails and look expectantly at you without having the wit
to tell you what on earth it is they expect of you.
10. They dirty stationary cars and chase moving ones.
11. They have to have their food artificially shaped like a bone before they
will condescend to eat it.
12. They spread a disease which makes you go blind. I know that for a fact,
there was a piece in New Society about it, no I didn't read it
myself, but I know someone who did.
13. Technology has placed man on the moon but not yet invented a machine
capable of picking up dog hairs.
14. The Queen likes corgies better than the theatre, ballet, books or
15. Dogs have no qualms about acting for the police as instruments of
repression: who ever heard of a radical, correct thinking dog?
16. They relieve themselves on one part of the lawn and scratch up another.
17. They are the only animal capable of being classed medically as "mad".
18. They have no shame in accepting names like Mitzi, Diddums, Pookey etc.
19. They take all the meat which should by rights go to old age pensioners.
20. When you tell a dog to sit, it runs off and attacks someone else's.
21. When in the mood for mating, it cannot tell the difference between its
own breed and any other kind of dog, and will even make advances to
22 Dog-owners are incapable of addressing their animals without retreating
into a nauseating nursery English full of walkies, din-dins and
23. They can always spot fear in humans, but never loathing.
24. It is extremely annoying for a person from Alsace, Dalmatia or
Pomerania to go through life having stupid jokes made about his
25. No one would ever have to put up a notice saying BEWARE OF THE CAT.
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