The Great Dog Debate

I Love dogs because

1. You never find a cat or a hamster with a barrel of brandy round its neck. 2. It has never been suggested that were mankind to disappear, dogs (unlike ants, dolphins and rats) are waiting in the wings to take over the world. 3. The dog is man's best friend, indeed only friend. 4. They cause welcome diversions in otherwise tedious Test matches. 5. They will run and retrieve sticks of any shape, thus rendering the boomerang obsolete. 6. Dogs never have to be rescued from the tops of trees by the fire brigade. 7. They are the cheapest and most effective anti-burglar device yet devised. 8. They are the most specialised animal in nature. What other one boasts species which can hunt foxes, guard property, balance balls on there noses, go down holes after badgers and travel fast enough to attract large sums of money in bets ? 9. They are the only animal to have a form of humour named after them: The shaggy dog story. 10. They growl when Esther Rantzen comes on the TV. 11. Conan Doyle would have got nowhere with "The Moggy of the Baskervilles." 12. Dogs are highly perceptive. They can spot attractive loveable qualities in you which are never spotted by your family or friends. 13. They will pull you for hours in a sled across the snowy wastes of the Arctic, if thats your idea of a good time. 14. The King Charles spaniel is the only pet ever to have been named after a monarch. (there is no recorded instance of a domesticated King Edward V11 potato.) 15. Dogs are largely responsible for keeping the aniseed industry going. 16. They can hear notes that the human ear cannot pick up and are therefore really into avant-garde music: they were also among the first creatures to appreciate the early gramophones. (HMV lable) 17. The dog is the only animal which, in return for thousands of milk bottle tops, will agree to guide the blind. 18. They eat unwelcome Christmas presents such as carpet slippers and spotty ties. 19 Snoopy can effortlessly outwit Charlie Brown every time. 20. You'd swear they understand almost every word you say, unlike humans. 21. There is no known instance of a sheep being trained to round up large quantities of dogs. 22. They are said to be much prized in some forms of Oriental cuisine. 23. They are the only animals to have found another use for lamp-posts. 24. They suffer uncomplainingly insults which humans would never tolerate: dog's dinners, being given a bad name and hung, having a dog's life, seeing a sausage in a roll named after them etc etc. 25. They made Battersea famous.

I Hate dogs because

1. You can't even mention the chief objection to them in polite society. 2. They eat expensively imported chocolate. 3. Chihuahua is impossible to spell. 4. Dogs have no fashion sense. They only wear dowdy camping cloths, never really elegant gear. 5. They creep up behind you after they have been for a swim and shake themselves viciously. 6. You have to multiply their real age by 7 to get their equivilant human age, and then say how wonderful they are looking considering they are 109! 7. They indicate they want you to throw a ball for them by refusing to let go of it. 8. They find it impossible to tell between burglars and friends of the family. 9. They wag their tails and look expectantly at you without having the wit to tell you what on earth it is they expect of you. 10. They dirty stationary cars and chase moving ones. 11. They have to have their food artificially shaped like a bone before they will condescend to eat it. 12. They spread a disease which makes you go blind. I know that for a fact, there was a piece in New Society about it, no I didn't read it myself, but I know someone who did. 13. Technology has placed man on the moon but not yet invented a machine capable of picking up dog hairs. 14. The Queen likes corgies better than the theatre, ballet, books or football. 15. Dogs have no qualms about acting for the police as instruments of repression: who ever heard of a radical, correct thinking dog? 16. They relieve themselves on one part of the lawn and scratch up another. 17. They are the only animal capable of being classed medically as "mad". 18. They have no shame in accepting names like Mitzi, Diddums, Pookey etc. 19. They take all the meat which should by rights go to old age pensioners. 20. When you tell a dog to sit, it runs off and attacks someone else's. 21. When in the mood for mating, it cannot tell the difference between its own breed and any other kind of dog, and will even make advances to trouser legs. 22 Dog-owners are incapable of addressing their animals without retreating into a nauseating nursery English full of walkies, din-dins and doggy poos. 23. They can always spot fear in humans, but never loathing. 24. It is extremely annoying for a person from Alsace, Dalmatia or Pomerania to go through life having stupid jokes made about his origin. 25. No one would ever have to put up a notice saying BEWARE OF THE CAT.

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