Definition of a Teenager
1. A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in
groups in front of television sets (See SLOTHS). Thought to be a member
of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and
emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a
completely different species altogether (See PARENTS). Very
territorial. (See ITS MY ROOM STAY OUT OF MY ROOM.)
Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their
peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food,
and responsibility (See FATHERS, QUOTATIONS OF). The males of the
species forage for food constantly (See MACDONALDS) and can consume
three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are
usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their
backsides and look ridiculous (See FATHERS, QUOTATIONS OF). The
females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes,
throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often
attract males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development (See
WONDER BRAS). Males indicate their approval by staring at the display
(See FATHERS, HEART ATTACKS OF). The call of the female is complex and
shrill: "Like, O m'God! O m' God!" Males are less vocal, signaling to
other males with a salutatory "Yo. Yo. Yo. S'up? S'up? S'up?"
Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females
hold telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day.
When challenged for possession, they snarl and warn intruders "I'm doing
my HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK." The males lie immobile for
hours at a time, conserving energy and listening to violent electronic
signals from radios.
Male Teenagers concentrate on important information (See FATHERS,
LECTURES OF) by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking dirt and
sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo Sapiens
families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one (See STRESS) or
more than one (See EXTREME STRESS) Teenager. These host families often
develop a resistance to the parasite, rejecting them some time in the
eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this rejection is merely
theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the host Homo
Sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice (See
2. Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable,
or inexplicable behavior. ("She's a Teenager.")
3. A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in
support. ("I have a Teenager at home.") Often accompanied by sighs,
headshaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder shrugging.
(This column is dedicated to my two daughters, ages 15 and 13.
(c) W. Bruce Cameron 1997
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