Death -- A Continuing Scandal

	GENEVA, SWITZERLAND -- World Health Organization officials expressed
	disappointment Monday at the group's finding that, despite the enormous
	efforts of doctors, rescue workers and other medical professionals
	worldwide, the global death rate remains constant at 100 percent.
	Death, a metabolic affliction causing total shutdown of all life
	functions, has long been considered humanity's number one health
	concern.  Responsible for 100 percent of all recorded fatalities
	worldwide, the condition has no cure.

	"I was really hoping, what with all those new radiology treatments,
	rescue helicopters, aerobics TV shows and what have you, that we might
	at least make a dent in it this year," WHO Director General Dr. Gernst
	Bladt said.  "Unfortunately, it would appear that the death rate remains
	constant and total, as it has inviolably since the dawn of time."

	Many are suggesting that the high mortality rate represents a massive
	failure on the part of the planet's health care workers.  "The inability
	of doctors and scientists to adequately address this issue of death is
	nothing less than a scandal," concerned parent Marcia Gretto said.  "Do
	you have any idea what a full-blown case of death looks like?  Well, I
	do, and believe me, it's not pretty.  In prolonged cases, total
	decomposition of the corpse is the result."  "What about the children?"
	the visibly moved Gretto added.

	"At this early date, I don't want to start making broad
	generalizations," Citizens for Safety's Robert Hemmlin said, "but it is
	beginning to seem possible that birth -- as well as the subsequent life
	cycle that follows it -- may be a serious safety risk for all those
	involved." Death, experts say, affects not only the dead, but the
	non-dead as well.  "Those who suffer from death can be highly
	traumatized by it, often so severely that it kills them," noted
	therapist Eli Wasserbaum said.  "But it can also be very traumatic for
	the still-living who are left behind.  The sudden cessation of metabolic
	activity characteristic of terminal cases of death often leaves the dead
	person in a position where they are unable to adequately provide for the
	emotional needs of their loved ones."  In the most serious cases of
	death, Wasserbaum explained, the trauma inflicted upon these
	still-living victims of death may continue throughout their entire
	lives, until their own deaths.  "Thus," Wasserbaum said, "the vicious
	cycle" of death trauma continues indefinitely."

	"Everybody talks about death," Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM) said, "but
	nobody seems to actually seems to doing anything about it.  I propose we
	stop molly-coddling death, not to mention the multi-billion-dollar
	hospital, mortuary, funeral and burial industries that reap huge profits
	from it."  Under Domenici's new bill, all federal funds will be withheld
	from the medical industry until it "gets serious and starts cracking
	down on death."
	
	Consumer rights advocate and staunch anti-death activist Ralph Nader
	agreed with Domenici.  "Why should we continue to spend billions of
	dollars a year on a health care industry whose sole purpose is to
	prevent death, only to find, once again, that death awaits us all?"
	Nader said in an impassioned address to several suburban Californians.
	"That's called a zero percent return on our investment, and that's not
	fair.  Its time the paying customer stood up to the HMOs and to the
	so-called 'medical health professionals' and said:  'Enough is enough.
	I'm paying through the nose here, and I don't want to die.'"