Laws of Crowded Department Stores



	1. A stunned, bewildered idiot will stand at the intersection of two 
	or more major traffic aisles so as to cause the most inconvenience to
	passers-by who do know where they are going.

	2.  Such idiot will be carrying at least one bag capable of comfortably
	holding a '57 Buick, and will make sudden, random turns so as to
	fling the bag into the shins (or worse) of passers-by.

	3.  When such idiot is intercepted by family and/or friends and removed
	from the location, they will be replaced by a freshly bewildered idiot
	within 2.5 minutes, maximum.

	4.  No matter how many signs (or how big they are) the store puts up
	clearly announcing "NO RETURNS OR EXCHANGES DEC 26 or 27" there will be
	no less than 5 morons crowded into every cashier's line who figure this
	rule couldn't possibly apply to them.  And they'll be pretty huffy 
	about it, too.

	5.  Nitwits who can clearly afford baby sitters (either that, or
	they're shoplifting the 5 high-end DVD players under their arm) will
	have the curious impression that Boxing Day shopping is exactly the 
	sort of bonding event their squalling 3-week-old offspring wants 
	most to do in this life.
	
	6.  The parking lot of any store over 300 square meters will contain no
	less than 17 Sport Utility Vehicles with dogs pretending to be ready to
	drive off at a moment's notice.  When the supervising human does return,
	odds are 50:50 that the dog will occupy said human's lap as driving
	commences.  Especially if the dog is the size of a Saturn Launch
	Vehicle.
	
	7.  No idiot driving a SUV has any grasp of the physical size of the
	vehicle, with the result being that parking them involves manoeuvers
	hitherto unaccomplished by the entire Kirov Ballet.
	
	8.  Imbeciles paying for purchases of Items Necessary to Life (consumer
	electronics, compact disks, angora sweaters..) with $50 bills will be
	constantly complaining about the state of abject poverty they live in.
	
	9.  Seven hours before closing time December 24, Wal-Mart will start
	setting up displays of huge saccharine Valentine's Bears, eachclutching
	oversized satin hearts.  {I actually SAW this happen.}
	
	10.  Any mall containing a theatre will have an aroma of popcorn frying
	in rancid canola emanating into the hall.  The smell will be strong
	enough to gag a badger.  And patrons will buy it at prices per ounce
	greater than those for top sirloin, under the impression it's somehow
	"healthy" for them, and that the 4 tablespoons of salt on it somehow
	don't count.
	
	
	




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