Creature of the Night

by Joe Lavin

	During my forty minute battle each morning with the snooze 
	button, many things seem clear, as I lie clinging desperately to 
	the warmth and succor of my bed. 
	1. We are not living in a democracy. We are instead living in an 
		evil, tyrannical society run by The Morning People. 
	2. The Morning People, to lack a more elegant term, suck. 
	3. Despite my valiant effort to beat the damn thing into 
		submission, my snooze alarm almost always wins.

	Yes, unfortunately, I am cursed with being a night person in a 
	morning person's world. I thrive between midnight and three a.m. 
	When others go to bed, my creative juices are just beginning to 
	flow. And when others wake up, so must I -- no matter how groggy 
	I feel. Life in the world of The Morning People is just not fair. 
	I don't ask for much, but at least give me one week a year when 
	I can force The Morning People to conform to my schedule.
	"Joe, how about we meet tomorrow morning at nine?"

	"Oh, sorry, I can't make it, Sir. I'll be sleeping in tomorrow, but I 
	think I can fit you in at midnight. How does that sound?"

	I know it will be difficult for the Morning People, but so what? 
	They've made me suffer over the years, and now it's my turn to 
	punish them. If they are half as responsible as they like to think 
	they are, I am sure they will have no problem at all. And as for 
	the ones who can't adapt, we'll just get rid of them. 
	"Where the hell did Jones go? It's only midnight."
	"Oh, you know Jones, Sir. He's one of those deadbeats who 
	gets up at dawn every day. Probably went home to sleep."
	"Well, let's fire him then. You know, we need more people like 
	you, Joe, who can stay up all hours of the night. I'm giving you a 
	raise. You've earned it!"
	All right, my fantasy is getting increasingly unrealistic, but I can 
	dream, can't I? (Well, actually, no -- thanks to The Morning 
	As you would imagine, my complaints are mostly ignored. I am 
	told I should just go to bed earlier. I am told I should just act 
	like an adult, but I can't help staying up late. The world is so 
	peaceful then. There are no distractions -- nobody on the phone, 
	nothing but infomercials on television, nowhere to go. And then 
	there's that beautiful pressure. Adrenaline surges through my 
	body as I rush to get everything done before going to sleep.  
	Happily, the day doesn't really end until the sun comes up on a 
	new one. Even if it's officially three o'clock Tuesday morning, life 
	is still considered a Monday. It's like a stay of execution on all 
	your unfinished tasks. I love that.
	The next morning, though, I love nothing. Is it all worth it? I 
	wonder as I wander off groggily to work. Maybe I really should 
	listen to all those people who tell me just to grow up and go to 
	sleep early. Maybe Ben Franklin was right. Maybe early to bed, 
	early to rise is the way to go. Of course, then I wise up and 
	realize that Ben Franklin has been dead two hundred years and 
	should have taken his pithy little sayings with him. I remember 
	how much I enjoy the night, and soon even the grogginess of the 
	morning doesn't seem quite so heinous. 
	"No, thanks, I like being groggy." I now tell people when they 
	offer me coffee in the morning. If anything, I am a more 
	productive worker then. Give me eight hours of sleep a night, 
	and I can't motivate myself to do anything. Give me five, and I 
	become a workaholic. It doesn't make sense, but it's true. On 
	most mornings, I'm too tired to even think about goofing off. 
	Work is all I can hope to contemplate at that hour. I may be 
	exhausted, but I get stuff done! 
	And so I survive in the land of The Morning People, but I'm still 
	bitter. I keep thinking there must be some way I can change the 
	system. Sometimes I wonder if all us night people should just 
	join together and go on strike, but then I think about it some 
	more. There just aren't enough night people in the world for 
	anyone to really miss us. And even if there were, we'd still have 
	to get up in the morning for all that picketing. No, that wouldn't 
	work at all.
	Perhaps instead I could just sue my employers for 
	discrimination. I'm a night person, and did they not fail to take 
	that into account when determining my hours? Yes, that's it. 
	Let's put my employers on the stand. 
	"Is it not true that you forced my client to show up at nine 
	o'clock every morning when in fact you knew he was a night 
	"Well, everyone has to --"
	"Answer the question!"
	"Um, yeah."
	"No further questions, your honor. I rest my case."
	That's what I'll do. I'll take my case all the way to the Supreme 
	Court if I have to, and I'll win! It will be a landmark case, and all 
	the night people of the world will rally together and praise me as 
	their ultimate hero. 
	Unless of course the Court decides to hear my case in the 
	morning in which case I'm probably screwed. 

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