Creature of the Night
During my forty minute battle each morning with the snooze
button, many things seem clear, as I lie clinging desperately to
the warmth and succor of my bed.
1. We are not living in a democracy. We are instead living in an
evil, tyrannical society run by The Morning People.
2. The Morning People, to lack a more elegant term, suck.
3. Despite my valiant effort to beat the damn thing into
submission, my snooze alarm almost always wins.
Yes, unfortunately, I am cursed with being a night person in a
morning person's world. I thrive between midnight and three a.m.
When others go to bed, my creative juices are just beginning to
flow. And when others wake up, so must I -- no matter how groggy
I feel. Life in the world of The Morning People is just not fair.
I don't ask for much, but at least give me one week a year when
I can force The Morning People to conform to my schedule.
"Joe, how about we meet tomorrow morning at nine?"
"Oh, sorry, I can't make it, Sir. I'll be sleeping in tomorrow, but I
think I can fit you in at midnight. How does that sound?"
I know it will be difficult for the Morning People, but so what?
They've made me suffer over the years, and now it's my turn to
punish them. If they are half as responsible as they like to think
they are, I am sure they will have no problem at all. And as for
the ones who can't adapt, we'll just get rid of them.
"Where the hell did Jones go? It's only midnight."
"Oh, you know Jones, Sir. He's one of those deadbeats who
gets up at dawn every day. Probably went home to sleep."
"Well, let's fire him then. You know, we need more people like
you, Joe, who can stay up all hours of the night. I'm giving you a
raise. You've earned it!"
All right, my fantasy is getting increasingly unrealistic, but I can
dream, can't I? (Well, actually, no -- thanks to The Morning
As you would imagine, my complaints are mostly ignored. I am
told I should just go to bed earlier. I am told I should just act
like an adult, but I can't help staying up late. The world is so
peaceful then. There are no distractions -- nobody on the phone,
nothing but infomercials on television, nowhere to go. And then
there's that beautiful pressure. Adrenaline surges through my
body as I rush to get everything done before going to sleep.
Happily, the day doesn't really end until the sun comes up on a
new one. Even if it's officially three o'clock Tuesday morning, life
is still considered a Monday. It's like a stay of execution on all
your unfinished tasks. I love that.
The next morning, though, I love nothing. Is it all worth it? I
wonder as I wander off groggily to work. Maybe I really should
listen to all those people who tell me just to grow up and go to
sleep early. Maybe Ben Franklin was right. Maybe early to bed,
early to rise is the way to go. Of course, then I wise up and
realize that Ben Franklin has been dead two hundred years and
should have taken his pithy little sayings with him. I remember
how much I enjoy the night, and soon even the grogginess of the
morning doesn't seem quite so heinous.
"No, thanks, I like being groggy." I now tell people when they
offer me coffee in the morning. If anything, I am a more
productive worker then. Give me eight hours of sleep a night,
and I can't motivate myself to do anything. Give me five, and I
become a workaholic. It doesn't make sense, but it's true. On
most mornings, I'm too tired to even think about goofing off.
Work is all I can hope to contemplate at that hour. I may be
exhausted, but I get stuff done!
And so I survive in the land of The Morning People, but I'm still
bitter. I keep thinking there must be some way I can change the
system. Sometimes I wonder if all us night people should just
join together and go on strike, but then I think about it some
more. There just aren't enough night people in the world for
anyone to really miss us. And even if there were, we'd still have
to get up in the morning for all that picketing. No, that wouldn't
work at all.
Perhaps instead I could just sue my employers for
discrimination. I'm a night person, and did they not fail to take
that into account when determining my hours? Yes, that's it.
Let's put my employers on the stand.
"Is it not true that you forced my client to show up at nine
o'clock every morning when in fact you knew he was a night
"Well, everyone has to --"
"Answer the question!"
"No further questions, your honor. I rest my case."
That's what I'll do. I'll take my case all the way to the Supreme
Court if I have to, and I'll win! It will be a landmark case, and all
the night people of the world will rally together and praise me as
their ultimate hero.
Unless of course the Court decides to hear my case in the
morning in which case I'm probably screwed.