Cost Saving Memo



Memorandum

To: All Hospital Employees

From: Administration

Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. 
Each Charge Nurse will be issued with a .38 caliber revolver and 12 
rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the 
pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will 
patrol the hospital grounds 3 times each shift. In light of the 
similarity of monitoring equipment, the Critical Care Units will now  
assume security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be 
responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors, as well as 
continuing previous secretarial duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need 
to let their families know to bring them something, or make arrangements 
with Subway, Dominos, Wendy's, or another outside food preparation 
facility, prior to mealtime. Coin-operated telephones will be available 
in the patient rooms for this purpose, as well as for calls the patient 
may wish to make.

Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be 
issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of 
motion exercise, as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory 
patients may also register to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients 
for discounts on their bill. Time cards will be provided to those 
registered.

Nursing Administration is assuming the grounds keeping duties. If a 
Nursing Supervisor cannot be reached by phone or beeper, it is
suggested to listen for the sound of the lawn mower, weed eater,
or leaf blower.

Engineering will also be eliminated. The Hospital has subscribed to the 
Time-Life series of "How to..." maintenance books. These books may be 
checked out from Administration. Also, a toolbox of standard equipment 
will be issued to all Nursing Units. We will be receiving the volumes at 
a rate of one per month, and have received the volume on basic wiring. 
If a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to repair it as best as 
possible until that particular volume arrives.

Cutbacks in Phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing 
blood-related laboratory studies on patients already bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two (2) 
X-rays per patient per stay. This is due to the turn-around time 
required by the local Photmat. Two prints will be provided for the price 
of one and physicians are encouraged to clip coupons from the Sunday 
paper if more prints are desired. Photomat will also honor competitors 
coupons for one-hour processing in an emergency. If employees come 
across any coupons, they are encouraged to clip them and send them to 
the Emergency Room.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures, the local Electric 
Company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room 
so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately 
billed. Fans may be rented or purchased in the Gift Shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection 
of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, 
patients and the few remaining staff are encouraged to contribute 
discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the 
pharmacy for nosocomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics 
will be available for purchase though the hospital pharmacy, and will, 
coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed in the hospital's 
formulary.

Although these cutbacks and changes may appear drastic on the surface, 
the Administration feels that over time we will all benefit from this 
latest cost cutting measures.







Back to Lori's Humor Page