The Life of a Computer Analyst



	User called to say they forgot password.  Told them to use
	password  retrieval utility called FDISK.  Blissfully ignorant,
	they thank me  and hang up.  God, we let the people vote and
	drive, too?

	Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports 
	database.  Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it 
	works for me."  Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my
	coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. 
	Suggested they try it again.  One more happy customer...

	 8:14 am

	User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error 
	accessing Drive 0."  Told them it was an OS problem.  
	Transferred them to microsupport.

	 11:00 am

	Relatively quiet for last few hours.  Decide to plug support
	phone back in so I can call my girlfriend.  Says parents are
	coming  into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred
	her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The
	"Myst" and  "Doom" nationals are this weekend!
	 11:34 am
	Another user calls (do they ever learn?).  Says they want ACL
	changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR
	can  access database. Tell them no problem.  Hang up.  Change
	ACL.  Add  @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.
	 12:00 pm
	 3:30 pm
	Return from lunch.
	 3:55 pm
	Wake up from nap.  Bad dream makes me cranky.  Bounce servers for no
	reason.  Return to napping.
	 4:23 pm
	Yet another user calls.  Wants to know how to change fonts on
	form.  Ask them what chip set they're using.  Tell them to call
	back when  they find out.
	 4:55 pm
	Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next 
	shift has something to do.
	 8:30 am
	Finish reading support log from last night.  Sounded busy. 
	Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.
	 9:00 am
	Support manager arrives.  Wants to discuss my attitude.  Click on
	PhoneNotes SmartIcon.  "Love to, but kinda busy.  Put something in the
	calendar database!"  I yell as I grab for the support lines, which
	have (mysteriously) lit up.  Walks away grumbling. 
	 9:35 pm
	Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee.  Tell them they
	need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1.  Say they never heard of such a
	form.  Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database.  Say they
	never heard of  such a database.  Transfer them to janitorial
	closet in basement.
	 10:00 am
	Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. 
	Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name,
	and  marital status.  Run @DbLookup against state parole board
	database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah
	Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. 
	Drawing from the  lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering
	for Customer Partnership,"
	I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.
	 10:07 am
	Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in
	basement. Offer to train him on Notes.  Begin now.  Let him watch
	console  while I grab a smoke.
	 1:00 pm
	Return from smoking break.  Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
	transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
	 1:05 pm
	Big commotion!  Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled
	floor tiles outside his office door.  Stress to him importance of not
	running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!" 
	 1:15 pm
	Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in
	form names.  Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix
	it.  Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
	 1:20 pm
	Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls.  Says she keeps getting calls
	for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't
	hear over industrial-grade blender.  Tell her it was probably
	"Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? 
	She thinks about  it and hangs up.

	 2:00 pm
	Legal secretary calls and says she lost password.  Ask her to
	check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter.  Tell
	her it  probably fell out of back of machine.  Suggest she put
	duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. 
	Grudgingly offer to  create new ID for her while she does that.
	 2:49 pm
	Janitor comes back.  Wants more lessons.  I take off rest of day. 
	 8:30 am
	Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on
	form.  Tell them Of course, they should have been checking
	"Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up. 
	Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office.  Schedules
	10:00am meeting with me.  User calls and wants to talk to support
	manager about terrible help at support desk.  Tell them manager about
	to go into meeting.  Sometimes life hands you material... 
	 10:00 am
	Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me.  Go to support
	manager's office.  He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several
	lateral career moves.  Most involve farm implements in third-world
	countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I  ask
	if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail
	databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer
	in Marketing on the corporate Web page.  Meeting is adjourned as  he
	reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

	 10:30 am
	Tell Louie he's doing great job.  Offer to show him mainframe 
	corporate PBX system sometime.
	 11:00 am
	 4:55 pm
	Return from lunch.
	 5:00 pm
	Shift change;  Going home.
	 8:00 am
	New guy ("Marvin") started today.  "Nice plaids" I offer.  Show
	him  server room, wiring closet, and technical library.  Set him
	up with  IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in
	both monochrome and color.
	 8:45 am
	New guy's PC finishes booting up.  Tell him I'll create new ID
	for  him.  Set minimum password length to 64.  Go grab smoke.
	 9:30 am
	Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin.  "Nice plaids" Louie 
	comments.  Is this guy great or what?!
	 11:00 am
	Beat Louie in dominos game.  Louie leaves.  Fish spare dominos
	out of sleeves ("Always have backups").  User calls, says
	Accounting  server is down.  Untie Ethernet cable from radio
	antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub.  Tell user to
	try again.  Another happy customer!
	 11:55 am
	Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new
	employee  beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper
	aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to
	provide sustenance and  relief to senior technical analyst on
	shift."  Marvin doubts.  I point  to "Corporate Policy" database
	(a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!).  "Remember, that's
	DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps
	over open floor tile to get to exit door. 
	 1:00 pm
	Oooooh!  Pizza makes me so sleepy... 
	 4:30 pm
	Wake from refreshing nap.  Catch Marvin scanning want ads. 
	 5:00 pm
	Shift change.  Flick HR's server off and on several times (just 
	testing the On/Off button...).  See ya tomorrow.
	 8:00 am
	Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. 
	Told them it worked fine before I left.
	 9:00 am
	Marvin still not here.  Decide I might start answering these 
	calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
	 9:02 am
	Yep.  A user call.  Users in Des Moines can't replicate.  Me and
	the  Oiuji board determine it's sunspots.  Tell them to call 
	 9:30 am
	Good God, another user!  They're like ants.  Says he's in San
	Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines.  Tell him it's
	sunspots, but with  a two-hour difference.  Suggest he reset the
	time on the server back two hours.
	 10:17 am
	Pensacola calls.  Says they can't route mail to San Diego.  Tell them
	to set server ahead three hours.
	 11:00 am

	E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the
	time on  their servers.  I change the date stamp and forward it
	to Milwaukee.
	 11:20 am
	Finish @CoffeeMake macro.  Put phone back on hook. 
	 11:23 am

	Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is. 
	 11:25 am

	Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit.  "So
	hard to get good help..." I respond.  Support manager says he has
	appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind
	sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No
	 11:30 am
	Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a
	meeting this afternoon.  "Yeah, sure.  You can bring your snuff"
	I tell him.
	 12:00 am
	 1:00 pm
	Start full backups on UNIX server.  Route them to device NULL to make
	them fast.
	 1:03 pm
	Full weekly backups done.  Man, I love modern technology! 
	 2:30 pm
	Look in support manager's contact management database.  Cancel
	2:45 pm appointment for him.  He really should be at home
	resting,  you know.
	 2:39 pm
	New user calls.  Says want to learn how to create a connection 
	document. Tell them to run connection document utility
	CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted.  Tell them to call microsupport. 
	 2:50 pm
	Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means
	appointment cancelled.  Says he's just going to go on home.  Ask him
	if he's seen corporate Web page lately.
	 3:00 pm
	Another (novice) user calls.  Says periodic macro not working.
	Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula.  Promise to send
	them document addendum which says so.
	 4:00 pm
	Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white.  Also set
	point size to "2" in help databases.
	 4:30 pm
	User calls to say they can't see anything in documents.  Tell
	them to  go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key,
	and then refresh.  Promise to send them document addendum which
	says so. 
	 4:45 pm
	Another user calls.  Says they can't read help documents.  Tell
	them  I'll fix it.  Hang up.  Change font to Wingdings.
	 4:58 pm
	Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens.  Not
	(too)  much.
	 5:00 pm
	Night shift shows up.  Tell that the hub is acting funny and to
	have a  good weekend.

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