The CAT User's Manual


 User Installation and Maintenance Documentation 

 CAT v. 7.0: Completely Autonomous Tester 

 Manufactured by MOMCAT 

 System Design Specifications: 

 * User Friendly
 * Mouse Driven
 * Self Cleaning
 * Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
 * Self Portable Operation
 * Dual Video and Audio Input
 * Audio Output
 * Auto Search Routines for Input Data
 * Auto Search for Output Bin
 * Instant Transition (
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 Production Details: After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be variations between units. MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected units. 

 Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import restrictions. 

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 Transportation: A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user. 

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 Installation Procedures: Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should 
 examine the unit to verify that all I/O channels are operational. Look for
 minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT
 production enviroment. The user may manually remove any bugs. 

 Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature at 20! C (+/- 3!
 tolerance). Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the
 transporation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the self
 learning program catfind() by displaying the input bins. These should
 contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy
 pellets. Immediately afterwards, display the output bin. 

 If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be
 possible to download BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or
 two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer
 overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep() mode. This is normal. The 
 MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory. Afer
 72 hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment. 

 The unit may be placed in direct sunlight. CAT units are operational in all
 axis: standing, sitting, or laying down. If all basic environment
 requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This
 is normal. 

 A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability
 comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit
 the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with
 pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with
 untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT
 units may try to port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. If you
 decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system
 address and URL which identifies the host site. 

 Your CAT should have a system name. The name may need to be reinitialized
 repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue
 voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their
 CATs a secret password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by
 booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much
 booting will abuse the system. Such units will sit across the room with its
 back to you. 

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 Applications: At present, there are few productivity applications for CAT. 

 MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed. 

 Many owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they are
 young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced
 response and flexibility. Some CAT games are: 

 CACHE
 The CAT will CACHE a data string. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the
 object must be smaller. 
 JUMP
 Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights
 of operation.
 MIRROR
 Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself.
 Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.
 CHASE
 Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as
 one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.
 DANCE and SING
 Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output. 

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 Maintenance: CATs will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour
 cycle.

 CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean
 the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This may lead to a violent
 explosion. 

 A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician)
 for a system checkup. 

 Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts inside.
 If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediately
 by a VET. 

 You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female
 scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic
 aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are
 plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by
 removing an internal part. Such systems should run unix. 

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 Warning Notices: CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in
 certain documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user.
 Repeated jamming or obstruction of I/O ports may lead to deployment of 
 auto-defense systems. Never attempt a first strike on a CAT system. Its
 CPU clock rate made to milspecs and thus classified, but JANE'S FIGHTING
 FELINES notes that a unit was seen by ham radio operators to be apparently
 moving at 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek
 rate of 3 nanoseconds. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to
 the user. 

 Children should not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE. 

 In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid
 electric shock, stand on an insulated surface. 

 Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to end-user damage. 

 Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail". 

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 Service Life: As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every
 situation. The CAT may become too smart for its own good. 

 CATs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such as bird
 watching or studying tropical fish. 

 If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal service.
 Many users get a second unit. Most users don't need the extra capacity,
 but they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games. 

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 User Groups: CAT users can find other users and an faq on the Usenet
 newsgroup rec.pets.cats. 

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 Lifetime Warranty: The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure.
 Nine coupons are included. 

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 Documented Problems: The Ctrl key on most CAT units is defective. This may
 lead to serious performance problems. 

 Do not install a BIRD unit at a site which has an operational CAT unit.
 These tend to disappear. 

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 System Features: 

 * Models = Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in 	the industry). Available in 15 inch, 17 inch, and 19 inch sizes.
 * Interface = Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.
 * Memory = Not much. Upgrades available real soon now.
 * Expected Lifetime = 15 years with +/- 72 months (although 20 years 
	are common).
 * Weight = 3-6 kilograms without optional cables.
 * Speed = 3 nanoseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist 
	technology.
 * Color Graphics = Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 	
	grey shades, or maximum of 16 million colors with 40 terrabits
 	of high resolution floating point pixels.
 * Sound Chip =16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU).
 * Power Consumpution = 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per 
	second.)
 * Operating Range = -30! to +45! C (-22! to 105!)
 * Vibration = 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.

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 Contacting CAT Technical Support 

 Our highly trained technicians are ready to help you. As soon as they 
 wake up from their nap. 

 * Submit your CAT bug report. Requests for enhancement (rfe), etc. 
	Remember: it's not a bug, it's a flea. Don't bother sending in 
	your complaints: just like your CAT unit, our technicians won't 
	pay attention either. 







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