Rules for Cats With a House to Run
I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand
on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is
not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door
opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain,
snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If
you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no
Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make
sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and
the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping",
otherwise known as "hampering".
Following are the rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance
of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or
at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but
every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting
needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.
Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and
needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what
the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income
taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind
the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked
on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability. After being
removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and
erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be
sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in
front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something
in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the
morning. This will help their coordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
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