Rules for Cats With a House to Run

 

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand 
	on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is 
	not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door 
	opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. 
	This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, 
	snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all 
	costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If 
	you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no 
	Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make 
	sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not 
	necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and 
	the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", 
	otherwise known as "hampering". 

 Following are the rules for "hampering":
	a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the 
		cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance 
		of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

 	b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and 
		book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

 	c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most 
		appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or 
		at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but 
		every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting 
		needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. 
		Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and 
		needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what 
		the humans may tell you.

 	d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income 
		taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind 
		the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked 
		on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. 
		When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, 
		scattering them to the best of your ability. After being 
		removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and 
		erasers off the table, one at a time.

 	e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be 
		sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in 
	front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something 
	in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the 
	morning. This will help their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.