Forget Mars & Venus
by Greg Bulmash
What do "enlightened guys" say is an important quality in a woman?
Intelligence. Well, I have recently realized that we are deluded.
Forget Mars. Forget Venus. Men are from high school and women are
from grad school. Why do I say this? Is it something having to do with
perceived differences in maturity levels? Not in the slightest. It all
has to do with the simple fact that women are smarter than men.
Think about it guys. How do you make your muscles stronger? Exercise
them. Our brains are the same way. But when it comes to so many things
in life, men's brains are warming the bench while women's brains are
getting a full cardiovascular workout.
Men have ONE shoe size. I'm a 10.5 wide. Simple. Women... well it
depends. They're like astrologers doing a natal chart on the shoe. Where
was it made? Who made it? Was it made in the winter or spring? What was
the geographic elevation of the shoe factory? Was the leather from a
happy or a sad cow? Eventually they find a pump with Neptune in its
4th house and the shoe-shopping mission has been completed.
Guys what's your pants size? You'll say 32:30 or 34:32 or something
simple, basically the waist and inseam. But ask a woman... "I'm a
size 5 on the eighth day of every third month when it's not raining, the
tarot cards advise travel, and the designer's last name starts with an F."
And let's not even get into colors. We men are not unfamiliar with the
fact that there are multiple shades and can probably tell 4-5 different
ones in each main color group. But women make us look like simpletons.
They carry portable physics labs with them and can apparently discern a
variation of one hertz in the spectrum of visible light. What's the
difference between eggshell white, bone white, and navajo white? Hell if
I know, but a woman does.
Men just aren't good with colors. JC Penney occasionally has those ads
with the regular guy and the male models, and he finds out he can dress
like them because of Penney's new fashion line for men that allows us to
coordinate an outfit by matching the tags inside the clothes. You know
what this is, don't you? It's Grrranimals for grown-ups. Tiger coat, tiger
shirt, tiger pants, and you're good to go.
Think of certain words you'd probably never have heard if not for women.
Ecru, taupe, mauve. These are not words that come naturally to the male
vocabulary. They are inserted there after associating with women, sort
of like the medical terms you know from watching "ER." Sure, you can say
them and sound cool, but damned if you know what they actually mean. Take
the tibula for example. I think it's in the leg... and I would assume
it's bone white.
And don't get me started on purses. Go ahead, ask any woman why men
don't carry purses. She'll turn into Jack Nicholson. "You want a purse?
You want a purse? You can't handle a purse!" And you know what? She's
right. We can barely handle briefcases. That's why every article of our
clothing has a pocket. But still, even with just a couple of pockets,
like if you're wearing jeans and a t-shirt, you will at some time or
another become an amateur cop. Just observe yourself the next time you
can't find your keys. As you start looking around the room, you'll do a
pat-down search. Essentially, you're frisking yourself.
But a woman just throws every item she comes across during her day into
her purse. My mom used to have this huge purse when I was a kid. I stared
into that black hole once. There were receipts, business cards, a potted
geranium, a five-year supply of chewing gum, ten ounces of lint (in case
the dryer ran out, I guess)... I just figured that Mom was God in
training. She was collecting matter until she had enough for another big
bang and then she was going to start her own universe.
In fact, the bigger her purse, the smarter a woman is. That's why most
women don't start carrying the really big purses until they're married,
because they don't want to scare off any easily manipulated men until
they've got us. That's why single women started wearing those little
backpacks. They told us it was fashion, but it's a trick. They thought
they could fool us. They took all those big purses and turned them into
little backpacks. Very clever.
So the next time one of you single, "enlightened" guys says an
important quality in a woman is intelligence, just face it... if she can
dress herself with a modicum of class and color coordination, and she
carries a purse (or she's got a backpack), she's not only intelligent,
she's smarter than you. And if you should somehow end up getting the
impression she's not intelligent enough... that just means she doesn't