Forget Mars & Venus

by Greg Bulmash

	What do "enlightened guys" say is an important quality in a woman? 
	Intelligence.  Well, I have recently realized that we are deluded.  
	Forget Mars.  Forget Venus.  Men are from high school and women are 
	from grad school. Why do I say this? Is it something having to do with 
	perceived differences in maturity levels? Not in the slightest. It all 
	has to do with the simple fact that women are smarter than men.

	Think about it guys. How do you make your muscles stronger? Exercise 
	them. Our brains are the same way. But when it comes to so many things 
	in life, men's brains are warming the bench while women's brains are 
	getting a full cardiovascular workout.

	Men have ONE shoe size. I'm a 10.5 wide. Simple. Women... well it 
	depends. They're like astrologers doing a natal chart on the shoe. Where 
	was it made? Who made it? Was it made in the winter or spring? What was 
	the geographic elevation of the shoe factory? Was the leather from a 
	happy or a sad cow? Eventually they find a pump with Neptune in its 
	4th house and the shoe-shopping mission has been completed.

	Guys what's your pants size? You'll say 32:30 or 34:32 or something 
	simple, basically the waist and inseam. But ask a woman... "I'm a 
	size 5 on the eighth day of every third month when it's not raining, the 
	tarot cards advise travel, and the designer's last name starts with an F."

	And let's not even get into colors. We men are not unfamiliar with the 
	fact that there are multiple shades and can probably tell 4-5 different 
	ones in each main color group. But women make us look like simpletons. 
	They carry portable physics labs with them and can apparently discern a 
	variation of one hertz in the spectrum of visible light. What's the 
	difference between eggshell white, bone white, and navajo white? Hell if 
	I know, but a woman does.

	Men just aren't good with colors. JC Penney occasionally has those ads 
	with the regular guy and the male models, and he finds out he can dress 
	like them because of Penney's new fashion line for men that allows us to 
	coordinate an outfit by matching the tags inside the clothes. You know 
	what this is, don't you? It's Grrranimals for grown-ups. Tiger coat, tiger 
	shirt, tiger pants, and you're good to go.

	Think of certain words you'd probably never have heard if not for women. 
	Ecru, taupe, mauve. These are not words that come naturally to the male 
	vocabulary. They are inserted there after associating with women, sort 
	of like the medical terms you know from watching "ER." Sure, you can say 
	them and sound cool, but damned if you know what they actually mean. Take 
	the tibula for example. I think it's in the leg... and I would assume 
	it's bone white.

	And don't get me started on purses. Go ahead, ask any woman why men 
	don't carry purses. She'll turn into Jack Nicholson. "You want a purse? 
	You want a purse? You can't handle a purse!" And you know what? She's 
	right. We can barely handle briefcases. That's why every article of our 
	clothing has a pocket. But still, even with just a couple of pockets, 
	like if you're wearing jeans and a t-shirt, you will at some time or 
	another become an amateur cop. Just observe yourself the next time you 
	can't find your keys. As you start looking around the room, you'll do a 
	pat-down search. Essentially, you're frisking yourself.

	But a woman just throws every item she comes across during her day into 
	her purse. My mom used to have this huge purse when I was a kid. I stared 
	into that black hole once. There were receipts, business cards, a potted 
	geranium, a five-year supply of chewing gum, ten ounces of lint (in case 
	the dryer ran out, I guess)... I just figured that Mom was God in 
	training. She was collecting matter until she had enough for another big 
	bang and then she was going to start her own universe.

	In fact, the bigger her purse, the smarter a woman is. That's why most 
	women don't start carrying the really big purses until they're married, 
	because they don't want to scare off any easily manipulated men until 
	they've got us. That's why single women started wearing those little 
	backpacks. They told us it was fashion, but it's a trick. They thought 
	they could fool us. They took all those big purses and turned them into 
	little backpacks. Very clever.

	So the next time one of you single, "enlightened" guys says an 
	important quality in a woman is intelligence, just face it... if she can 
	dress herself with a modicum of class and color coordination, and she 
	carries a purse (or she's got a backpack), she's not only intelligent, 
	she's smarter than you. And if you should somehow end up getting the 
	impression she's not intelligent enough... that just means she doesn't 
	like you.

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