WOOPIES (Well-Off Older People) (ies)

    To achieve WOOPIE status, the following criteria must be met:

1.  You are retired, considering retirement, or planning for retirement
    from at least one job;

2.  You must have an income equal to at least half of your best income
    during your last three working years.

3.  Although not mandatory, you should own a car. If you do, you must
    be capable of driving it.

4.  You must own your own home or condo.

5.  You must own at least one piece of exercise equipment that is used
    on a regular basis as a clothes hanger.

6.  You must own two TVs, one that you watch and one that is in front
    of your exercise equipment.

7.  You must own a VCR and at least two exercise videos.

8.  You must be mentally capable of programming your VCR. (This criterion
    eliminates a lot of applicants.)

9.  You must be physically healthy, at least capable of turning off your
    TV with using the remote.  This is another criterion which creates
    problems.  Most WOOPIES can manage to get to the TV, but can't find
    the ON/OFF switch.

10. You must be on the mailing lists of at least three of the following
    agencies/businesses:

        1. AARP
        2. Real estate agents who want to sell your house
        3. A nutrition and/or vitamin supply company
        4. A travel agency --"Do we have a cruise for you!!"
        5. A financial/estate planner
        6. A mortuary with such promotions as: "We can reserve
           a plot for you;" "Buy your burial plot at '96 prices;"
           "Buy now, pay now; die later."