Rating the Star Wars Villains

Author Unknown

Darth Vader
There's nothing to say. Darth is it. He's the 800 pound gorilla of the Force,
Mister Lightsaber himself, the Dark Lord of the Sith. He's got the
Admiral-choking power, the kick-ass mask, the intimidating rasp, the
jet-black TIE fighter, and the James Earl Jones voiceovers. I don't care what
Obi-Wan says, this is a man who made some good career choices. A+

Grand Moff Tarkin
It's hard to take a villain seriously when he has "Moff" in his title. Tarkin
was nasty enough with his deeply etched scowl and his Aryan stride, and
obviously he had enough going for him that Vader didn't give him the old
long-distance esophagus handjob, but when the chips were down and Red Five
was going in, he made the Bad Choice. Vader cleverly managed to survive the
destruction of the Death Star and still come out looking like a total stud,
but El Moff Grande just ended up as the third cinder from the left in the
upper right hand corner of your screen. C

"Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise," said Obi-Wan in one of his less
stunningly accurate pronouncements. Obi must have gotten a little too much
sun during his Tattooine holiday, because as the rest of the movie shows
Imperial Stormtroopers couldn't hit the sidewalk with a can of paint. If
that's not bad enough, they're also easily intimidated and dumber than monkey
chow. Still, they've got nifty uniforms and there's buttloads of them, so
they make excellent fodder for the good guys. B-

Boba Fett
Another from the mask-and-armor school of villainy, Boba Fett had a lot going
for him. Not only did he pack lots of cool gadgets like grappling hooks and a
jet pack, he also had the wherewithal to track down Han Solo. Fett was the
only one who didn't fall for the old "drift away with their garbage" trick,
and thanks to that he was the one to deliver the Hansicle to Jabba and stick
around for the party. Unfortunately now he's doing the new definition of pain
and suffering thing in the Sarlacc pit. B

Jabba the Hutt
"Hutt" is right up there with "Moff" in the list of "words it's best not to
have in your name if you want to be intimidating." Jabba actually lacks a lot
of qualities neccessary to be a really first-rate bad guy. Mobility is one of
them. Lack of resemblance to escargot is another. He's got some mean pets and
interesting ideas for torture, but he's really too party-oriented to make it
as a villain. I mean, could you take out Vader using only a length of chain
while wearing a metal bikini? I think not. C

I was never able to figure out whether "Tusken Raiders" referred to the fact
that they had little tusk-like thingies on their masks, or if they were from
a town called Tusken or what. They were mean, though, with the scary faces
and the rags for clothes and the Gaffi sticks with the spikes on the end and
the big furry elephants to stomp the unassuming homes of hapless moisture
farmers. But then, all you have to do is learn to make that noise that Ben
Kenobi made and they're off like rabbits, even in mid-clobber, which kind of
cuts down on their effectiveness. C+

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