DEFINITIONS OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
ABERCRAVE Strong desire to scream in a libraries reference
ABINGER One who washes up everything except the frying pan,
cheese grater and the scrambled egg saucepan.
ACLE The rogue pin which shirt designers hide in the shirt,
the one that always stabs you in the neck.
AFFCOT The sort of wind-passing you hope people will talk after.
AFFPUDDLE The puddle that hides under the loose paving slab, the
one that always shoots up your leg.
AGGLETHORPE Argument between two poofs in a boutique.
AHENNY The way that people stand when examining other peoples
AINDERBY One who always moans abt the loss of the word `gay' in
the English language, but never used it anyhow.
AITH The single bristle that sticks out sideways on a cheap
AIRD OF SLEAT Ancient Scottish curse placed on a stretch of land now
occupied by Heathrow Airport.
ALBURQUERQUE A shapeless squiggle which is utterly unlike your own
signature, but one that you'll produce when asked to
ALDCLUNE One who collects 10 year old phone directories.
ALLTAMI The ancient art of balancing the hot and cold taps
during a shower.
AMERSHAM The sneeze that tickles but never comes.
AMBLESIDE A talk given to son by father whilst walking in the park.
AMLWYCH A British Rail sandwich which has been kept soft by
regular washing a resealing in cling film.
ARDCRONEY A remote acquaintance passed off as a `very good friend'
in order to impress someone.
ARDCALPSIE Excuse made by a remote Welsh hairdresser for completely
massacring your hair.
ARDSLIGNISH The behavioural patterns of a roll of sellotape.
BABWORTH Justification for a good cry.
BALLYCUMBER One of the six half read books lying somewhere in bed.
BALUMBER A tight, fitted elasticated sheet which, when fitted
turns your mattress banana shaped.
BANFF The facial expression you always get but never want when
posing for passport photographs.
BARSTIBLEY A humorous device such as a china boy, which jocular
hosts use to urinate into your scotch with.
BAUGHURST A large, fierce, ugly woman who owns a small, fierce dog.
BEAULIEU HILL The optimum point from which to view the people opposite
BECCLES The small bone buttons placed in bacon sandwiches by
unemployed guerilla dentists.
BELPER The knob of someone elses chewing gum which you find your
hand on underneath the desk.
BENBURB The sort of man who becomes a tax collector.
BEREPPER A sturdy flatulence that you pass in Royalty. Sounds
quite like a small motorbike passing (but not enough to
be confused with one.)
BILBSTER A large, juicy, hideous pimple that you cover with a
sticking plaster and pretend you did it shaving.
BOLSOVER A brown plastic tray placed upside down in your box of
chocolates to give you the impression there are two layers.
BONKLE The plumbing in old Hotels, only operational at 5.00am.
BOSCASTLE The huge pyramid of tin cans placed at the shop door.
BOSEMAN One who is paid to spend all day at zebra crossings
looking as if he's about to cross.
BOTCHERBY The principal by which British roads are signposted.
BRECON The part of the toe nail which is designed to snag on
BROSYBUN The last remaining bun in the bakers shop after 4.00pm.
BUDE A polite joke reserved for the presence of vicars.
BURES Scabs on the knees caused by making whoopee on the
cheap Habitat matting.
BURLESTON The tuneless humming or whistling adopted by people who
are angry or wound up.
BURLINJOBB Something monkeys throw at you in the zoo.
BURLESDON The buzzing fly that you are too tired to get up and
squat, but not too tired to sleep through.
CAMER A miss tossed caber.
CLUN A gone-to-sleep leg that you have to haul around after
CLUNE People who just wont go.
CHENIES The Christmas drawing pins that you notice in the ceiling in
CHICAGO Foul smelling wind that always precedes a tube train.
CLACKAVOID Technical BBC term for a page of Blake Seven script.
CLOVIS One who looks forward to putting up office Christmas
CONDOVER One who is employed to look through newsagents magazine racks.
COTTERSTOCK A piece of wood used once to stir paint, then is kept in the
garage for an eternity.
CROMARTY The stuff that clings like grim death around tomato sauce
bottles in cafes.
DEAL The gummy substance found between damp toes.
DES MOINES Those two little lines that come down from the nose.
DEWLISH Prune-like after a long bath.
DIDLING The art of trying to work out who dunnit.
DILLYTOP A special type of bath plug that sits on the hole instead of
in the hole.
DIPPLE The art of passing something sticky from one hand to another.
DOBWALLS The hard boiled bits that you scrape off plates after they've
been through the dish washer.
DOGDYKE Dog owners behaviour, whilst dog is on the lead 'performing'.
DOLGELLAU The group of men standing outside the boutique changing rooms
waiting for their wives.
DUDDO The most deformed spud in any group of spuds.
DULUTH The smell of a taxi after the drunk has just left.
DUNGENESS That sinking feeling you get when you realise the plastic
handles of the supermarket bag are getting longer and longer.
DUNTISH Mentally incapacitated by a severe hangover.
ELY The first inkling you get when you realise that something,
somewhere has gone terribly wrong.
EPPING Those futile movements of eyebrows and forefingers whilst
trying to attract the waiters attention.
ERIBOLL The brown bubble of cheese containing gaseous matter that is
known to grow on Welsh Rarebit.
EVERCREECH That polite look given by an angry queue of people to a queue
FARNHAM The feeling you get around 4.00pm when you realise you haven't
got enough done.
FEAKLE Facial expressions similar to those old gentlemen make to
young girls in the play ground.
FIUNARY The safe place you put something only to realise that you've
forgotten where it was.
FOINDLE The art of queue jumping by gently meandering along the line.
FRATING GREEN That shade of green that is designed to make you feel
comfortable in hospitals, industrious in schools and uneasy in
FRING The noise made by a newly broken light bulb.
FROLLESWORTH The expression on your face whilst staring at an art gallery
painting, trying to give everyone the impression you are not a
FULKING The art of pretending to be out when carol singers come round.
GALLIPOLI The behaviour of the bottom lip whilst trying to spit
mouthwash at the dentist.
GLEMANUILT The kind of guilt you'd forgotten about until opening the
drawer and finding an old letter.
GLENWHILLY The small tartan pouch worn under the kilt during thistle
GLINSK A hat which politicians buy to go to Russia in.
GLUT LODGE A place food hides after tooth extraction.
GOADBY MARWOOD Someone who stops John Cleese in the middle of town and
demands he does a silly walk.
GWEEK A coat hanger recycled to be a car aerial.
HADZOR A sharp instrument strategically placed in the washing up bowl.
HAGNAY Someone who looked a darned sight more attractive in the disco
than in your bed the following morning.
HATHERSAGE Those tiny bits of beard which coat the inside of the sink after a
HENSTRIDGE The dried on yellow substance found between forks in a restaurant.
HEVER The panic caused by only half hearing the tannoy at the airport.
HODDLESDON The injured footballers limp back into the game which draws
applause but doesn't fool anyone.
HOFF To deny indignantly something which is palpably true.
HOYLAKE The pool of edible gravy which surrounds an inedible lump of meat.
HULL The smell of a weekend cottage.
HUNA The result of coming to a wrong decision.
HUMBER To move like the cheeks of a very fat person when their car goes
over a cattle grid.
HUTTOFT The fibrous algae which grows in the dark, moist environment of
the trouser turn up.
INKLE The sound of liquid hitting an empty potty.
IPPLING The art of removing tomato pips from beneath dentures, with the
tip of the tongue, without being noticed.
JAWCRAIG A massive facial spasm brought on by being told an astounding
piece of news.
KALAMI Ancient art of re-folding maps correctly.
KEELE Vile smell brought on by washing ashtrays.
KETTERING Marks left on the bottom after sunbathing on a wicker chair.
KIRBY Small but repulsive piece of food prominently attached to a beard,
nose or chin.
MISPERTON One who tries to remove a KIRBY only to find that it is a wart.
KNAPTOFT The fluff placed in pockets by dry cleaners.
LINDISFARNE The smell of an empty biscuit tin.
LONGNIDDRY The droplet that insists on running out of your nose in company.
LOWESTOFT Navel fluff.
LUBCROY The lump in your bathing trunks that tells you that you have half
an hour with a safety pin to find the drawstring.
LUSBY The piece of compressed flesh that pushes over the top of a bra.
MAENTWROG Computer spelling mistake.
MARLOW Mothers bottom drawer.
MINCHINHAMPTON Expression on a mans face after doing up the zip too quickly.
NYBSTER Person going only one floor in a lift.
OCKLE Switch which appears to be on in both positions.
OZARK One who offers help after all the work is done.
PAPPLE What babies do to soup with their spoon.
PEORIA Fear of peeling too few potatoes.
PLEELEY Drunken persons attempt to be endearing.
PLOSTURE Something solid that was thought to be gaseous.
PODE HOLE Hole drilled and strategically placed in a chipboard loo wall.
POGES Lumps found in powdered packet soup.
RENDULLS Songs, usually heard in public houses (vamping).
RUNDERSLEY Useful swear word, one that granny doesn't know.
SATTERWAITE The art of spraying the person you are talking to with soggy
SCROPER One who scratches a particular anotomical area.
SCOPWICK The flap of skin torn off your lip when smoking roll-ups.
SCORRIER A small hunting dog trained to sniff round those private places
SCREGGAN People who put the wrong year on cheques all through January.
SKIBBERING Distractins someones attention whilst picking up lost money.
SKRONKEY Something that flies through the air as a result of a violent
SHRIVENHAM A well worn, cast out lover.
SKENFRITH Flakes of athletes foot found inside socks.
SPOPFORTH The art of cleaning before the char lady arrives.
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