How to Ski Without Leaving Your Neighborhood
Tore up you knee playing sports this fall? Are your buddies already
razzing you about missing the skiing season? No problem. One needn't
actually ski to experience the gestalt of skiing. Just simulate the
psychic and physical sensations. Here are 13 ways to duplicate those ski
thrills and really pin the fun meter in the red zone.
* Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstorm and you're tailing an 18-wheeler. Stop at any gas
station that serves food. When the waitress asks what you'd
like, order an upset stomach, because that's probably what
you'll get anyway.
* Visit you local butcher and pay $22 to sit in his walk-in freezer
for half an hour. Afterward, burn two $50 bills to warm up. It's
not real skiing but it's close.
* Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray
sandblast your face. You'll almost believe you're skiing in front
of a snowmaking gun.
* Sit under a sun lamp wearing goggles to get that chic raccoon
* Wear apre's ski boots everywhere-even in the shower. For the
best effect, get the boots that look like two dead Afghan
hounds strapped to your calves.
* At the nearest hockey rink, walk across the ice 20 times in
your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, loaded accessory
bag, and poles. Make believe you're looking for your car.
* For ski-boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street
shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
* Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. This will
save you from losing it later.
* Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $3.50 for a hamburger.
Be sure to wait in the longest line.
* Speaking of lines, stand in any movie line on the coldest day
of the year. Inch ahead with the crowd but don't go in. Do
this 12 to 18 times.
* To simulate losing a ski in deep powder, spend a lot of money
to fly to a Caribbean resort. When you arrive toss a Krugerrand
onto the beach. Then try to find it.
* To simulate glade skiing, take a jog through the woods - with
your eyes closed.
* Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
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