Professor's Diary


Jan 3rd, 1995
	I have long heard of the lives of the privileged classes, and now I
	have prepared myself to experience life as a member.  Tomorrow, I
	will don the the uniform of the academic and re-enter society, NOT
	as I once was, a worker and pawn of the educated classes, but as a
	peer of those very people.  Tomorrow, I shall become an academic!

Jan 4th, 1995
	Dressed in a pair of green slacks with shortened legs, red cardigan
	and egg-yolk-stained tee-shirt; sporting a scraggly beard and armed
	only with a pipe, I stepped onto the University Campus.

	Immediately upon mumbling some incomprehensible gibberish, I was
	greeted on with respect and awe by my fellow academia

	Applying for tenure was simple.  The questions were very direct:

		They:	Do you know what you're doing?
		Me:	This is Belgium, right?
		They:	You have a masters in English?
		Me:	I have a Red Volvo!
		They:	And you're applying for a position in the 
			department of Physics?
		Me:	I think sometimes, therefore I am illogical!

	I was appointed immediately and released to an unsuspecting student
	population.

Jan 5th 1995
	Today was my first as a lecturer.  I prepared concientiously by
	drinking heavily, watching lots of television and going to bed
	very late the preceding night

	Turning up at my lecture the prescribed 1 minute late, I spoke
	of Yeats and the passion of his poetry.

	The first year Physics students were left speechless.

Jan 6th 1995
	I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was Saturday.

Jan 7th 1995
	I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was a Wednesday

Jan 8th 1995
	I went to work today and was distressed at the lack of attendance.

Jan 9th 1995
	Being conscientious in the maintenance of my diary, I take a well
	deserved holiday knowing that in three more days I will be eligible
	for a six month sebattical.

Jan 12th 1995
	My lecture this morning was a landmark effort.  I launched into 
	the explanation of the right-hand-rule, then, remembering that I 
	was an academic, subverted myself into discussing of the 
	right-hand-rule of hitch-hiking, the dangers of hitchhiking, the 
	dangers of hitching in South America, my Holiday in South America, 
	the woman I met in South America, the place she worked at, their 
	physics department, then to finish off, what their physics 
	department said about the right-hand-rule.

	I think I was well received

Jan 13th 1995
	A minor peice of confusion here in that I brought my Telephone book
	instead of my lecture notes.

	I improvised the basic electrical safety section of the course with
	the aid of two paper clips, a student and a handy power point.

	I feel sure the class now appreciates the dangers of electricity.

	Attendance dropped by one.

Jan 14th
	Being a friday, I decide to excite my first year pupils with an
	experiment in wave theory.  I walked into the lab, waved, and
	left.

	I'm sure my students appreciated the humourous content

Jan 17th
	Having now mastered when weekends occur, I turned up to receive
	confirmation of my sebattical, taking it, on full pay, immediately

Jul 17th
	Back from sabattical I realise that I did not make arrangements
	for a stand-in lecturer.

	In an attempt to catch up for the lost time, I set the students	
	some homework, pages 1-375, read and do all exercises.

Jul 18th
	Attendance was exceptionally low today with only one student in
	class.  When I asked him how his homework was going as his 
	entire coursework depended on it.  He screamed and left.

	I marked him absent and informed the grants department that no-one
	was attending my courses.

Jul 21st
	My students are all back having received the letter informing 
	them that grants are only paid to attending students.
	
	Scholarship students, with a far harsher attendance policy,
	are openly weeping.

Jul  24th
	I am now eligible for three months extra-curricular sebattical,
	which I decide to take immediately, warning my students that
	the exam will be held the day I return, covering all aspects
	of the course, including the last minute addition of the 
	Encyclopedia Brittanica to the Book List.  I expect all students
	to have a copy.

Oct 24th.
	Exam day.
	Having no preparation time, I use last years exam and substitute
	different values for the equation.

	I randomly appoint a student from another class to work out the
	answers and mark the exams.

Oct 27th
	I receive the results of the exam which indicate that 89% of the
	class passed the exam.  Lauded as an academic genius, I am
	awarded 6 months further paid sabbatical to study the effects 
	of alcohol on the mind.   Starting the third day of term next
	year.

	I think I'm on a winner here.





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