Why are Men Such Jerks?
Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men
suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average
lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just
from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies
behavior. We're just misunderstood.
Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all
the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you?
Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not
getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic
memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later
reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our
memory by staring as much as we can.
Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy.
It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added
Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner
frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it
you get into trouble with your partner.
Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's
the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much
of the world nowadays.
Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men
and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when
we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme
emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no
idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to
figure out how I feel.
Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you
as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying
around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam...
Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses
for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution
that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting
tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot
for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more
successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended
periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The
figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber
toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men
are born with this innate ability.
Why can't men just say "I love you?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say
that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men
consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own
Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure
fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works
What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"
1. Please sleep with me.
2. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
3. I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4. Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
5. What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6. Stop nagging me.
7. What do I have to do to get a beer around here?
Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of
your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you
will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy
for other things.
Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know
darn well you'll pick it up.
What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let
you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's
actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods
of time gives us stomach cramps.
Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go
out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to
look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?
Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet
seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet
seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent
sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the
proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat.
Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that
have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually
lift the darn thing. We aim to please.
Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are
generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun
and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of
the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for
being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the
ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for?
Why do men act like they own the remote control?
What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law.
Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just
anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote
control is to arm wrestle for it.
Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?
Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel?
We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also:
Why do men fear commitment?)
Why do men fear commitment?
Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means
and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how
good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with
newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be
expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit
and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with
a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It
simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger...
err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come
with fun extras like dual air bags.
What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship
right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"
It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so
that we want to see you repeatedly.
What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"
Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically
repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide
Do all men really masturbate?
Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from
our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.
Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?
Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition,
and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)
Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor
It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See
also: Do all men really masterbate?)
Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed
with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men
are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some
people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming
about equal treatment for the stupid people either.
Why do men like younger women?
Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're
easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very
little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.
Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may
only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots
of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get
hungry quite often.
How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever
do you see in that fat pig)?
Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you
are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you
lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one
myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent
bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite
our inherent weakness.
Why are men such dogs?
I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and
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