Life Lessons from Melrose Place
1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep
with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait
2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should do
3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a
fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses
of straight vodka.
4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face,
5. Pretend you're pregnant.
6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't
convenient, fake your own death.
8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.
9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding!
Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.
10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure
to shut the door tightly on your way out.
11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking...or
have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in some
way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.
12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and
try to choke you.
13. If you get fired, get drunk.
14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."
15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your
shirt and do it by the pool.
16. Randomly insult the people around you.
17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll
be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane
asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily sedated.
18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even
better job at twice the salary.
19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked
you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of
20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't
mean that you can't carpool to work with them.
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