Medical Report Blunders

   Doctors may not say exactly what they mean..........
   The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated
   by physicians.  They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer,
   Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

   By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
   feeling better.

   Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

   The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to
   his feet.

   On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
   completely disappeared.

   The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

   I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.

   Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have
   suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he
   stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

   The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be

   Discharge status:  Alive but without permission. The patient will need
   disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

   Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but

   The patient refused an autopsy.

   The patient has no past history of suicides.

   The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

   Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

   Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

   The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
   with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

   She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
   directions in early December.

   The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her
   original complaints.

   She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she 
   was very hot in bed last night.

   The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

   The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane 
   ran out of gas and crashed.

   Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would 
   like to work her up.

   She is numb from her toes down.

   While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

   The skin was moist and dry.

   Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

   Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

   Patient was alert and unresponsive.

   When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

   This patient has been under many psychiatrists in the past

   The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

   She was divorced last April.No other serious illness.

   Dr. Blank is watching his prostate.

   The patient was advised not to go around exposing himself to other 

   The patient was somewhat agitated and had to be encouraged to feed and 
   eat himself.

   The patient developed a puffy right eye, which was felt to be caused 
   by an insect bite by an ophthalmologist.

   Apparently the mother resented the fact that she was born in her 

   Physician has been following the patient's breast for six years.

   He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left above 
   the knee amputation last year.

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