Warning: Mail Virus
Postmaster General Warning...
The Postmaster General released a warning last Wednesday concerning a
matter of major importance to anyone who ever uses the USPS. Apparently,
a new paper virus has been engineered by someone at Dartmouth that is
unparalleled in its destructive capability.
What makes this virus so terrifying, said the U.S. Postal Service, is
the fact that no genetic material needs to be exchanged for someone new
to be infected. It can be spread through the existing mail systems of
the world. Once a person is infected, one of several things can
happen. If the person has a sex drive, that will most likely be
destroyed. If the virus is not stopped, it can place the person's
nervous system in an nth-complexity infinite binary loop--which can
severely damage neurons if it is not stopped before long. Unfortunately,
most novice mail users will not realize what is happening before it is
Luckily, there is one sure means of detecting what is now known as the
"Million Dollar" virus. It always travels to new hosts the same way:
in a large envelope with the text "You May Have Already Won One Million
Dollars" on the envelope.
Avoiding infection is easy once the letter has been received--don't
read it. The act of opening the envelope releases pheromones that
cause a hypnotic-like response as the virus takes over the reader's
central nervous system. The virus is highly intelligent--it will
force the victim to make copies of itself and mail them to everyone
whose mailing address is contained in an address book or on a piece
of received mail, if it can find one. It will then proceed to trash
the nervous system it has taken over.
The bottom line here is--if you receive a piece of mail with "You May
Have Already Won One Million Dollars" on it, throw it out immediately!
Do not read it! Rest assured that whoever's name was in the return
address was surely struck by the virus.
Warn your friends and local mail users of this newest threat to their
health! It could save them a lot of time and money.
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