Dating Guide for Men

 Ya know, we don't have to screw up gentlemen. All it takes is some
 attention to detail, and a little basic knowledge of the dating "Dos
 and Don'ts."
 As a service to my brethren, I have decided to compile the lessons
 learned from my extensive dating experience into a simple set of
 I hope you find some of these pointers useful.

 First of all, we need to discuss some things that you cannot say to
 the "love of your life""wife" depending upon how far along the
 relationship has progressed) under any circumstances. Some of these
 will come as a surprise to many of you; you'll simply have to trust me
 on them. Remember, I'm a professional. Much like the IRS, I'm here to
 help you.

AVOID THE FOLLOWING AT ALL COSTS: * When she asks, "Do I look fat to you ?" -- do not ask her to take a couple of steps back * Never refer to her toothbrush as "the guest toothbrush" especially after she has started brushing * "Yeah ... for a girl" is never an acceptable answer to the question, "Do you think I'm smart?" * When she asks you why you don't open her door and hold her coat, do not respond "Because I don't want to subvert you." (IMPORTANT NOTE: Only she is allowed to use the "s" word.) * Answering "Who ?" (or "Which one ?") in response to "Do you think she's prettier than I am ?" will never end that line of questioning. * Though you may think it sounds clever, "Does a bear crap in the woods ?" is never a good answer to the staple prompt, "Do you love me?"
On the brighter side, here are some basic answers that you can feel free to provide at any time (do your best to tie them into the conversation as best you can, though): * "Yes, dear, I thought of nothing but you during my entire business trip/ski trip/ClubMed cruise." * "Of course it doesn't bother me that you are constantly asking if I love you. It only serves to reinforce my deep and unwavering devotion to you." * "There is no other female more desirable than you in the entire world. And certainly not on any of the other planets." * "Of course you can set up a private shrine to your dead second cousin on top of the fireplace. Nothing else could possibly look as good up there." * "You are entirely right. I was completely wrong. Whatever it was, I have no idea how I could possibly have done something that stupid." * "Yes, your mother can come live with us. I'd love that." * "I really didn't need all that closet space, anyway." * "Yes, of course !" * "No." (But only after your have reviewed the question a minimum of sixteen times in your own mind and are reasonably sure that is the correct response.) * "Yes, reservations to the ballet/opera/book reading/oboe concert will be fine."
I certainly hope that men everywhere will find these suggestions to be as useful as I have. And if you still somehow manage to screw up, anyway (let's face it: it's going to happen), remember the most important pointers of all: * Though better than nothing, the Whitman's Sampler really just doesn't cut it. * Never, ever buy flowers at a supermarket. If that's all that's open, throw away the bag and the receipt before you get to her place.

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