The Jewish Olympics


by Stuart Spector

 
	 After reading through the list of this year's Olympic events, it was 
	 found that the Olympic Committee has made some significant changes.  
	 Some of the less-publicized events of particular interest to the 
	 world's Jewish communities, that you may have missed, may be the 
	 following:
 
	 Decathlon:
	 Commonly referred to as the world's greatest athlete, this year's 
	 decathlete is actually a minyan of ten daveners. Each member of the 
	 group will begin davening with ten volumes of Mishnah on his back.  
	 Every minute, another volume will be added until a team member can no 
	 longer angle the body enough for a complete daven. While yeshiva 
	 buchers in Jerusalem are favored to win this event, other teams have 
	 promised not to bow down to the opposition - which could be a problem 
	 for this particular event. 
	 
	 Oyga Vault:
	 A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition, the vaulter must clear the 
	 bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights 
	 cleared without an "Oy" will be considered a fault. Points will be 
	 added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy," such as "Oy vay iz 
	 mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or, the winner in 	
	 the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!" 
	 
	 Synchronized Swimming:
	 Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make 
	 a splash. But what do these young ladies do once their act has 
	 finished? 
	 
	 Synchronized Tanning:
	 Following the Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten 
	 minutes to sunbathe. Their routine must include at least two 
	 rollovers as well as application of sunscreen to the ears and nose. 
	 An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will award additional 
	 points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number. Points will be 
	 deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.
 
	 Team Handball:
	 The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team 
	 will cook a two liter bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The 
	 three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the 
	 infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put 
	 competition. 
 
	 Triathlon:
	 This year's Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a 
	 serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes 
	 (first part), say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal (second 
	 part), and then run a marathon (third part). If the contender forgets 
	 to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be 
	 required to run the marathon. 
 
	 In addition to the aforementioned events, this year's Games will 
	 feature some experimental, non-medal competition:
	 
	 Bagel Toss:
	 A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands 
	 a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah. 
	 
	 Balance Beam:
	 The accountant or bookkeeper that balances my mother's checkbook in 
	 the shortest amount of time will be declared winner. 
 
	 Challah Chap:
	 How long does it take you to remove all the chometz from your house 
	 before Pesach?  In this competition, each participant must rid a 
	 miniature shul of all of its challot, and replace them with matzot. 
	 
	 Dream Team:
	 This year's Dream Team will not consist of the USA's highly favored 
	 men's basketball team, but rather, an overpriced team of 
	 psychoanalysts that will have three, one hour office visits to 
	 analyze and interpret the dreams of this year's Olympic hopefuls. 
	 
	 Moyl Marathon:
	 Each certified moyl must run a marathon and perform a bris at each 
	 kilometer mark.  This is the only event that allows alcohol - for the 
	 babies of course.
 
	 Naches Shlep:
	 Designed for bubbies and zaydehs, the proud grandparents will have 
	 two minutes to boast about their einiklach. 
	 
	 Rings:
	 No longer part of men's gymnastics, this event now caters to 
	 newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks on their fourth 
	 fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three c's," color, 
	 clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the "three s's":
	 smile, sophistication, and simchas. 
 
	Shochet Slaughter:
 	Not for the weak of stomach or for animal rights activists, the shochet has
	twenty minutes to bless and slaughter as many cows as possible.  The meat
	from the slaughter will be fed to the weight lifters and  wrestlers.


	Enjoy the Olympics in Atlanta. Remember, none of these events, (with the
	exception of the Torah reading), will be held on Shabbes.   Some events may
	require the separation of men and women.



About the Author: A freelance writer living in Los Angeles, most of my articles have dealt with Jewish holidays, including Passover ("A '90's Style Seder" LA Jewish Journal, 1994), Chanukah ("Four Latkes and a Kugel" Las Vegas Israelite, 1995), and High Holidays ("High Holidays with Zade" Edmonton Jewish Life, 1995). I spent the last year in Israel, I love reading and writing Jewish humor, and my dream is to start a Jewish newspaper or magazine. Anybody interested in commenting on my article or helping me pursue my Jewish Journalism dreams can email me at Chewis@aol.com.



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