Hamlet vs. the GRE

	     Hamlet's Soliloquy (updated version)
	     by Cabe Franklin

	     To GRE or not to GRE, that is the question.
	     Whether 'tis nobler, in the grind, to suffer
	     The slings and arrows of a "real world" fortune
	     Or take Kaplan against a sea of testing
	     And by applying end them.  To apply, 'tis cheap
	     No more - and yet 'tis cheap to say we defer
	     Our student loan payments, and the thousand hidden costs
	     The grad is heir to.  'Tis matriculation
	     Devoutly to be wished.  To apply, 'tis cheap...
	     'Tis cheap, and self-esteem: Ay, there's the rub!
	     For in those hallowed halls what `steem may come
	     When we have blow'ed off this admin toil
	     Must give us pause.  So - it's Respect
	     That makes uncertainty of this young life.
	     For who would bear the whips and scorns of Time
	     (The addresser's wrong), the pre-med's contumely,
	     The pangs of despised internships, the roommate's rent check's delay,
	     The insolence of cubicles, and the Janes
	     Who find some merit in these unworthy Jakes
	     When he himself might his own quietus make
	     With a fifty buck application fee?  Who wouldn't this process bear,
	     Just call for recs to ditch a weary life,
	     But that the threat of something after grad school--
	     The undiscover'd thesis, whose author's calls
	     No publisher returns - heightens the bill,
	     And makes us rather bear the loans we have
	     Than fly to others we know not of?
	     Thus balance doth make Bach'lors of us all,
	     And the plaintive hew of revolution
	     Is sal'ried over, with a veil cast on thought,
	     And youngsters of great mirth and portent
	     In disregard instead avert their eyes
	     And lose the name of degree candidate.  Soft ye now!
	     The friendly valet!  Jetta Trek, in thy driver's seat
	     Be all my C-minuses remember'd.