The Devil Wants YOU!!
TIRED OF FOLLOWING THE RULES!
Are you sick of your dead-end job, working for an incompentent boss?
You can't seem to find the demented babe of your dreams, much less
getting a woman to even talk to you? Tired of always behaving because
you're scared getting caught?
Does the a life of CRIME, DRUGS, and SEX sound good to you!
LUCIFER IS NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS FOR ENTRY
The DEVIL wants YOU!
Beelzebub Enterprises (tm) is offering for the paltry price of your soul
and all eternity to pay, all the materials and training you will need
for your career in chaos management. No classes to attend! No
studying! Cheating 101 is the very first course! Remember, we're
talking the Devil here.
DONE AT YOUR CONVENIENCE! At home, ward, or cell block!
Choose from this list of new and exciting specialities!
* How to recognize and control the mentally unbalanced
- Project your voice into their heads, or make it come from their dog!
- Endless hours of fun!
* Pestilence and Famine (The History, Preconditions and Management)
- With most of the world breeeding with no thought of tomorrow, this
field is projected to be one the "hottest" for rapid advancement in
~ Special incentives for those with Bio-genetic engineering experince for
developing unstoppable hordes of chemically resistance insects, fungi,
and other yucky wiggly things.
* Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap! Lawyer Special!
- Ambulance chasing, foreclosures, divorce meddling, and the fine
art of fact twisting. WE TAKE CARE OF OUR OWN!!
- Proven election strategies, slogans, ads, dirty tricks, mudslinging
- Public Office; maximizing profits!
- Chaos through legislature!
- Bribery; how to spot a Sting.
- Learn how to talk for hours without saying a THING!
- Seducing your pages (either sex!)
- Learn to do nothing but promote big business while calling it
something completely different!
- Now you too can author demonic laws just Sen. Exon!!!
- Get real job satisfaction here. The secret of stirring up the masses.
- How to start & prolong. Play both sides against the middle!
- Weapons; (and you thought after the bomb, why bother)
post graduate programs in chemical and bio/genetic weapon research!
(Developer of Rhino Ammo(tm) a RECENT GRAD! Not a dry eye in
Hell the day it was announced.)
- Be a sleazy producer or casting director! Couch techniques!
- Get your own national radio and TV show with total control of format
and content! Spread lies and discontent!
- Pornography; all the ins & outs *[babes not included]
- Be an agent! Learn the art of 'empty promises', badgering,
pestering, lunches and late night tele-hype.
- How to setup a high profit phone sex scam
* Foreign Regimes
- Detention & Interrogation; techniques and all styles of Terrorism
- Coups, Juntas and Election rigging
- Foreign Aid and Swiss banking
- Brain washing, drying and pressing
- Food programs: diverting and how launder to proceeds!
- viruses, worms, the Trojan Horse, mysterious file deletions, etc...
- Learn how to become a clueless tech support idiot.
- Learn how program bugs that won't be found until months after
**[ A position at Microsoft for all those completeing this course! ]
- And the always popular Trolling the Net for tender young babes,
fat old guys, animals or whatever blows your dress up.
- Female, adolescent and/or prepuberty impersonations
(sign up early for this one)
- Incoherent flaming (for the EEG impaired)
- Learn how to post ads for anything on any newsgroup! Over and
* Blackmail; audio/video, set-ups, electronic bank deposits, bimbo
* The rackeets; direct connection to underground
- Making your bones, surviving to 50, slack lime, cement mixing,
car ignitions, Long Rides! (ammo, C4, & piano wire included)
- South American importing, money processing
- Purchasing politicians - how to pick the right ones.
- Back-stabbing, idea theft, brown nosing/sucking up, bad mouthing,
- Environmental laws; avoiding, covering up, defeating detection.
- Congress: lobbying, contributing, bribing, and blackmail
- Get the most from that expense account: Mistresses, vacations, etc...
- Move your company to a country that doesn't have bunch of bleeding
heart liberal whining wimps worried about cancer, birth defects and
- Toxic Dumps: hiding, denying, exporting
- Bogus accounting data - costs, sales, earnings, units shipped, etc...
- Kick backs, corporate espionage, successful sexual harrassment!,
- employee intimidation, and much, much more!
* Occult: rituals, hexes, voodoo, curses, witches, warlocks, possessions &
counter exorcisms, TV psychics. Special rates for demon rentals!!
- Annoy millions by posting "YOU WILL ALL BURN IN HELL"
messages on USENET!!
* Heavy Metal - sublimital suggestion (presently only available for boys
aged 12 - 15).
- work in the 'death theme' in every song. ditto for 'party on dude'.
- make-up techniques, skull care, tips for postponing ear damage
- poses, attitude, attire, drug overdose information and rehabilitation
- groupie acquisition, management, swapping, and STD treatment options!
* Law enforcement; 'nough said.
* Medicine: Become rich while at the same time, bankrupting your country!
* We're sorry, but all positions for pedophiles, preverted hypocrites (all
types), bigots, evangical zealots (includintg TV crooks) and all other
annoying obsessive in-your-face Xian fanatics are all filled directly
from the Christian Coalition or the Pat Buchanan Campaign staff.
SIGN UP NOW!!! His minions are waiting!
Reply-to: TheDevil@souls-r-us.com, firstname.lastname@example.org
or call 976-EVIL for testimonials:
SPECIAL SEMINARS BY
Jim Bakker, Charles Keating and Jimmy Swaggart on Soaking the Masses.
Rush Limbaugh on Turning Lies into Facts. Pat Buchanan promotes the
pitchfork Nazi! And our "guest" series of netkooks on how to devote
your entire life to an obscure facet of everyday living.
From our video library: Richard Nixon on 'Deny, Deny, Deny'.
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