Dennis Miller's Advice to Women on What Men Want
"I know the myth is that men want:
Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around
the house, Lesley Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha
Cha Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're sick, Mary
Richards at work, Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy, Gertrude
Stein in conversation, the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin'
combined with the voice of Sade, and to top it all off, the IQ of Anna
Nicole Smith, because we don't want to feel too threatened.
So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well, first put
that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the magazine.
Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your head of
bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex". Trick
me? How about asking me? And then I'll be able to tell you I don't have a
fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?!
All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal
the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes:
Here's what men want from women. One through Ten:
1. We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes, all
right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one pair
of good shoes. That's it.
2. Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very simple:
Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don't.
3. When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive,
that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect me to defend
your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of nunchucks, all
4. Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' with me for the fifty-seventh
5. Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, "You
know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass."
6. You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like that at
"The Drink" when I was single.
7. Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship lasts
about as long David Duke at a Black Panther meeting.
8. Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut,
the office boy, brought you the CUP of lima bean consomme instead of
the BOWL of lima bean consomme from Soup Plantation, I don't want to end
up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right?
9. Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don't
really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried crying in
front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started
thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?"
10. Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this
testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light. Or if
that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blowjob once in a while?"
Dennis Miller's Advice to Men About What Women Want
"Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....some women want
zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man. Let's see, the
myth is that women want:
Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the
house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when they're sick, Brad Pitt in
conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with
the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles
Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never
find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for
stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?
And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous.
As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a
motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like guys who are
dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.
Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable
as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want
1. Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
2. If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her
away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
3. Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they
possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care.
That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare
and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering
4. Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...say
Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill
Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot.
Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo!!!!!!!!!
5. This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?"
Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny. Think ABOUT IT!!!!!!
6. When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words
are kind of important.
7. Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to
have women their own age in their videos.
8. Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should
know if she came.
9. Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.
10. When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep,
take it like a man.
So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair
treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at
understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about a
big diamond the size of your head?
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