Definitions of Basic Cooking Terms
tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses
the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and
fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste
exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and
recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients
you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the
dog won't eat.
porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children
were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an
amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food
is put in, as well as when it is removed.
oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of
meat and poultry.
microwave oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of
radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within
the cooking compartment.
calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by
the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a
arab coffee: Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in
tiny cups at gunpoint.