Read this before using this product


 I once unpacked a SCSI drive shipped from Bubba's in Louisiana,
 and it arrived with this article in the packaging.  No kidding!
 
     IMPORTANT!  READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
 
 Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
 would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service,
 except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical
 bonehead consumer maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to:
 
 PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE
 YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU
 UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH
 THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A
 POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEO CASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON
 "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING  WITH THE KNOBS,
 RIGHT?  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
 FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
 
 We're sorry.  We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
 always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out
 that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six
 days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to
 assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean
 nothing by it. OK?  Now let's talk about:
 
 1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
 
 The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping
 People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing
 boxes.
 
 PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE
 BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE
 THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.
 
 Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only
 proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously
 considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had
 consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he
 decided to pop the question.  It is not without irony that Ida
 Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.
 
 WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR
 ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE
 PEANUTS.
 
 If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are
 missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the
 chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved
 Eastern Europe.
 
 Besides the device, the box should contain:
 
 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" *
 A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
 and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
 
 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
 cable.
 
 IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING:  You IMMEDIATELY should turn
 to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't
 make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at
 Burger King without a major transmission overhaul?  Because
 nobody cares, that's why."
 
 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not
 Pete.
 
 2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
 
 The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the
 electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing
 effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical
 current to flow through their appliances, developed the
 Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than
 the Other.  Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new
 Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made
 of Chocolate.
 
 DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
 
 Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct
 sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
 
 WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A
 SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE
 YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
 
 3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
 
 WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE
 ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN
 JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
 OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT
 DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
 
 INSTRUCTIONS:  For results that can be the finest, it is our
 advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!!  Except
 the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause
 a large occurrence!  However.  If this is not a trouble, such
 rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something)
 wirepoint from Drawing B.
 
 4. WARRANTY
 
 Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not
 excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied
 against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur
 between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which
 time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send
 the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their
 caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil
 spirits.  This warranty does not cover the attractive designer
 case.
 
 WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY
 PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
 






Back to Lori's Humor Page
Back to Lori's Home Page