The Complete Guide to Deciphering Apartment Ads

What They Say           What It Means
=============           =============
spacious                hole in the wall to anyone living in their car
                        that's why we're charging $200 above the going 

easy access to          Particularly in Mountain View and Sunnyvale, this
transportation                can mean:
                        (a) in the flight path of Moffet Field
                        (b) next to the railroad tracks
                        (c) next to a major road/freeway/highway
                        (d) a&b, b&c, a&c above
                        (e) all of the above

friendly staff          Doberman pincher mentality

free utilities          That's the only way we can entice people in this 
                        dump.  Would you pay THIS rent AND the water & 

heated pool             only when the sun's out; only when there's water 
                        in it

great views             reach out and touch your neighbor!
                        overlooking the garbage dumpster
                        overlooking the pool
                        overlooking the cute guys/gals apartment

affordable to:          (a) anyone with an income of $100 K
                        (b) anyone with wealthy parents
                        (c) anyone who is wealthy
                        (d) anyone who wants to spend $$$ on housing

pets welcome            kids aren't we just never got the odor out

AEK                     All Electricity Kancelled. EEk!

W/D                     Will be Disgusted
                        Worried/Depressed people

AC                      Atrocious Carpeting

WWC                     Wall to Wall Crap

great rent bargains!    located in the Bronx
                        (Your insurance will not cover bullet holes in 
                            car, self-protection devices,frequent theft 
                            &/or life insurance)

light and airy          built as cheap as we could, cold and drafty

covered parking         the manager's apartment overlooks the parking 

secure parking          "No one's been robbed on the street."

move in bonus!          no one else wants it
                        it hasn't been rented in six months
                        includes last tenant's stuffed parrot

rustic                  classic 60's decor
                        nothing has been fixed since the Loma Prieta

earthquake              outhouse is in the back
                        only one heating vent

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