18 Important Things I've Learned About Life from Action Adventure Films

	 1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than 
	    myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill
	    him with my bare hands.

	 2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit
	    so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.

	 3. There are two kinds of women in the world: One type want to go to
	    bed with you, and the other type want to kill you.  Both types are
	    physically attractive and under 25 years old.

	 4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my coworkers, not only
	    won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

	 5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my
	    obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next

	 6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they
	    will adore me.

	 7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she
	    will fall in love with me.

	 8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private
	    investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.

	 9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of
	    us dies, we will become best friends.

	10. My archenemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing
	    to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep
	    respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

	11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I
	    will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and
	    children.  When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive
	    a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman 
	    (see #7, above).

	12. I will befriend at least one black guy, if white, or one white
	    guy, if black.  If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me
	    halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of

	13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a
	    beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

	14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who
	    will gaze at me adoringly.

	15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut,
	    and gaze at me adoringly.

	16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or
	    game of any type, I will win.  This will infuriate my opponent, who
	    will then try to kill me.

	17. If my opponent has a sidekick or henchman, he will never have a
	    sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'

	18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern
	    and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never
	    ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently
	    never do those things either.

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