18 Important Things I've Learned About Life
from Action Adventure Films
1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than
myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill
him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit
so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: One type want to go to
bed with you, and the other type want to kill you. Both types are
physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my coworkers, not only
won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my
obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they
will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she
will fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private
investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of
us dies, we will become best friends.
10. My archenemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing
to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep
respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I
will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and
children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive
a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman
(see #7, above).
12. I will befriend at least one black guy, if white, or one white
guy, if black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me
halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a
beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who
will gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut,
and gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or
game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who
will then try to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a sidekick or henchman, he will never have a
sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern
and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never
ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently
never do those things either.
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