Nine Stupid Things Humans Do To Mess Up Cats' Lives

By Linda Koski


	Clawing Up the Good Sofa

	No matter how much you may feel the need to sharpen your claws, NEVER use
	your human's new leather sofa! Humans can be ridiculously anal about their
	possessions, and the chances of obtaining forgiveness if you use one of
	them for claw hygiene are slim to none, no matter how cute you are or how
	much you suck up. Some hapless felines have attempted to be discreet and
	use a corner out of direct sight, only to have their subterfuge discovered,
	and found themselves at the pound. I repeat! The immediate pleasures are
	just not worth the long term consequences!

	Bringing Home Hunting Trophies

	There is no accounting for the sensitivities of humans. While I know how
	proud you are after you've killed and disembowled a rodent or some tastey
	bird, most humans will not accept your gift graciously should you bring it
	home. Worse yet, if it isn't dead yet, some owners will even confiscate it
	from you and set it free. Better not to involve your humans in your hunts!

	Eating Yarn and Tinsel
	Fluffy well knows the self-destructive urges that can overcome careless
	cats. That yarn and tinsel can look so delicious and inviting! However,
	inumerable anecdotes have been sent my way about the nasty consequences.
	One cat started to swallow yarn, and found that it went on and on and had
	no end! Eventually her owner had to take her to the vet, where he
	surgically removed a cardigan. And tinsel can cause great gastrointestinal
	upset. Don't be tempted. I can assure you that you will regret it.

	Letting Your Mate Near Your Kittens

	He was so passionate when you mated. You never dreamed he would ever do
	anything but suck up to you. But remember, you were in heat, and THAT
	almost no Tom can resist. This does not mean that he is ready to commit to
	a long-term relationship, or take on a family. In fact, once his fun is
	over, he will very likely kill your litter so you will go into heat again,
	just so he can have another little quicky. I know, it's shocking, but it's
	true. Tom's can be more shallow and selfish than you could ever imagine!
	Best to keep him away from your kittens while they are young. Trust me. I
	know whereof I speak.

	You Can't Outrun A Chevy Blazer!

	I know that field across the expressway looks inviting. You may even have
	friends or business there. But you MUST make sure there are no vehicles
	coming. Don't play chicken with a Chevrolet. You will lose. 

	Warm Engine Compartments are a No-No
	It's cold and you've accidentally let yourself be locked out. You feel
	warmth radiating from the front of the Buick. You decide to crawl up
	inside, just to warm up a little. You fall asleep. Your owner comes out
	early in the morning to go to work. He starts the Buick. You're DEAD MEAT!
	Need I say more?

	But I really NEED To Spray The Walls!

	Males are biologically programmed to mark their territory. It's in their
	genes. But humans don't understand. They think the house is theirs, and
	that musk on the walls and contents of the room are offensive. If you don't
	want to find yourself homeless, keep your spraying outside. At the very
	least, do it late at night, when your humans are asleep, and find an
	inconspicuous, out of the way place, if you simply cannot control your
	urges. Better if you let them think it's THEIR territory, and not spray at
	all. Humans can be very intolerant of bodily functions that seem perfectly
	natural to you. If you ignore this, you do so at your own risk.

	That New Pit Bull Does Not Want To Be Your Friend

	We all know cats tend to be arrogant and cocky. It's a feline personality
	trait. However, as much as we like to think our physical prowess will make
	us the winner in any encounter, you let your smugness about your agility go
	to your head at your own peril. If your human brings home a dog that's
	twice your size, don't think you can bite his tail or his nose and always
	get away unscathed. Not all dogs are easygoing and take your good-natured
	teasing in the spirit in which you intend it. Unless you pre-date the dog
	in your home, and have the opportunity to put him in his place while he's
	still a puppy, don't expect him to knuckle under. He may be able to run
	faster than you think possible. And the jaws of a pit bull is no place to
	find yourself. 

	Curiosity Killed The Cat

	Curiosity can be fatal. Cats are not indestructible. If you curl up in the
	dryer, your owner could turn it on. (Very painful, I hear.) That cozy
	little drawer in the basement could imprison you until you starve to death,
	if no one hears your anguished cries. That construction guy with the nail
	gun could turn it on you. Are you starting to get the picture? I know it's
	very difficult, but CURB that curiosity. I know we are intellectually
	superior, but believe it or not, even we have a hard time getting down from
	that 200 foot power pole (it's humiliating for us all when some poor soul
	makes it on the 6:00 o'clock news when he has to be brought down by the
	rescue squad) and if you jump, although you'll land on your feet, from 200
	feet this could be catastrophic. Try never to get into a situation that you
	are not absolutely certain you can get out of. 'Nuff said?

				1998 By Linda Koski

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