The 9 Types of Girlfriends
Ms. Nice Guy
"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze,
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
"You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-a** no-talent son of a b***h!
Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
"Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
"Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your
job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and
Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
"I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control
"I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I
done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
"I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition,
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars
"I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
"I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome
genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like
crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you