The 9 Types of Boyfriends
"After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus
"People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the a**
"I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
"Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a B***h
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts
"After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
"Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
"While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed
weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction